I’m extremely mad at my boyfriend right now and i haven’t talked to him in a couple of days. I’m newbie in relationship so i’m not exactly sure if this is the right thing to do. he texted me and checked up on me but i ignore all his texts. he did something really bad/stupid that i’m not sure i’m ready to forgive him. how should i deal with it? Continue ignoring him and tell him i need some space?

Dru- Unless you’re planning on breaking up with him, never do the silent treatment. Worst case scenario is the other party will think you’ve broken up with them even if you didn’t mean to. At the very least, have the courtesy to text him back to let him know that, hey, I’m still upset right now and I’m not ready to talk yet.

It’s okay to want space and have as much space as you need, but you shouldn’t completely ignore the other person. That’s not to say that you need to reply back to every single one of their texts, but at least let them know you need space so that they know that you’re there or that you need time to think. It would feel pretty crummy if they pulled that on you, right?

Dru, what do you think about guys posting intimate pictures of their wives/gfs online? Off with their heads?

Dru- How intimate are intimate pictures? Are you talking about:

• Holding hands? Da’s cool.
• Kissing? Meh, not bad, just don’t overdo it.
• Boudoir? That’s too much, but lemme right-click-save-as real quick to just be sure.

I guess it also depends on if it’s artsy. I wouldn’t mind seeing a cool photo shoot, either editorial or (more commonly) engagement shoots because it’s more about the technique and art rather than intimacy. From my perspective, there’s a difference between creating a moment and capturing a moment, which is something I’ve been thinking about lately as I’ve grown with photography.

If it looks like something in a magazine, that’s pretty cool. If it’s a photo of them making out in a club, meh, I don’t need to see that.

But I guess I don’t have any friends who post intimate pictures of their significant others, so I don’t know.

Wait wait wait. Are you talking about posting like, nude photos without their consent? Obviously, off with their heads.

Dru. My fiance and I spend all our time outside of work together and we love it. My mom hates it cuz she thinks I’m not independent. Probably because I’m almost 30 and we have 1 vehicle and he drives 98% of the time. We’re good with it though. Should I even care what my mom thinks? I have a successful career and am blessed to have found a man who can stand my neurotic tendencies. Got that from my mama who BTW is mean and lonely.

Dru- Well, first of all congrats! Secondly, thanks for rubbing your happy relationship all over my face and especially into my eyes and nostrils.

I don’t think you should care what your mom or anyone thinks. At the end of the day, it’s just the two of you, and if you can enjoy each other’s company immensely and that frequently, then I’d say you’re extremely lucky.

Perhaps your mom just says things like that because she wants to spend time with her daughter (ah, mom guilt can be strong). Or she wants you to go out and have a strong support network of friends. Perhaps she’s indirectly saying she wishes she could see you more. Lonely people can be bitter or mean just from lack of social interaction sometimes, and not the other way around. Maybe your friends might say that one day because they just miss hanging out with you. Spending all your time together as a couple is wonderful and I wouldn’t say you’re not independent, but don’t forget to include other people in your life too!

Dru, In the past my bf has lied to me about talking to his ex numerous time. We got over it and started to live our lives like a normal couple. Then few years have passed and now i just found out he lied to me about something that is really big(not about any girl). I feel really betrayed and disappointed. I’m not sure if i can ever forgive him for what he did to me. part of me want to break up with him part of me i want to hang on. I don’t know if i’ll be able to look past all the lies.

Dru- If you can’t get past a particular lie (and why he thought it would be okay to hide something that large from you), then there’s no trust in the relationship. Without trust, then what’s the point in having a relationship?

If you think you could actually forgive him for that and the two of you talk it over and work it out, it might be salvageable (and that’s okay too), but it sounds like it was big enough to permanently damage the relationship. I’m sure the idea of breaking up after several years of dating must be pretty difficult to give up (hence, wanting to hang on), but from my experience, most of my friends are in pretty healthy relationships and the best part is being able to be open and honest with one another. That’s the basis for any healthy relationship.

Thoughts on “home wreakers”? Always their fault? Or do you agree that they wouldn’t have a “home” to wreak if the significant other didn’t let them in, in the first place?

Dru- My friend and I had an argument about this once. His position was that home wreckers had ZERO liability in that it was the married person’s fault for succumbing to cheating and they were the ones that had taken the vow to be loyal in the first place. The home wrecker should be able to be free to do what they wanted without being at fault.

My position is that both parties are at fault. That’s like saying I have zero liability if I came up to a stranger, shoved a gun in their hand and aimed it for them, and they immediately started shooting people. “Oh, well, I mean, I was telling him to shoot people and I gave him the gun, but, well, it was his decision to shoot, right?” Granted, it’s ultimately the person in the relationship’s responsibility to not cheat, but the other person is equally at fault for enabling/encouraging them.

since im a newb at relationships, love, dating…what do you mean by there’s more to a relationship than just love?

Dru- There are a lot of factors to how a couple ends up together. Love is one thing, but there are a lot of other variables which come into play. You can love someone, but things may not work out for a number of reasons. There’s a reason why it’s much easier to date someone of a similar background and/or socioeconomic status.

As we’ve seen on askphivy, sometimes couples can love the other person a lot, but the other person can’t offer them everything they need, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Maybe they’re not ambitious enough, maybe they have too many obligations they can’t break away from. I’ve seen couples who have dated for years that ultimately had to break up because one set of parents would never approve their relationship because they were the wrong religion/ethnicity. While some people say, “well they just didn’t try to make it work, maybe they didn’t really love them”, I don’t think that’s an easy situation to judge unless you’re actually in it. So ideally, while you’d think all you’d need is love, it’s definitely not the only thing.

when do you know to give up and just let the relationship go?

Dru- Basically when you don’t see a future with them anymore. Just make sure it’s not a heat-of-the-moment feeling and more of a “I don’t think we can work through this/it’s not worth it anymore” decision.

I remember when I worked my first office job years ago, a coworker was telling me about her marriage and told me, “Oh, Andrew, you’re so naive. You probably still have that, ‘All you need is love’ mentality, but there’s a lot more than that.” I already knew that at the time, but as I got older, it seems to ring more true as I see the relationships around me.

how do you know when a guy has lost interest in you?

Dru- Is this before you’re in a relationship with him? I’d imagine when he stops including you in his life. If you’re the one that always has to initiate or he’s not as receptive, then I’d say he’s lost interest (unless there was something like, work deadlines or family issues or whatnot). And if he doesn’t keep the lines of communication open and makes the effort to contact you, then it’s more like, “Oh… I get it…”

I recently found out that this guy I really like has a kid. I’m kind of intimidated by this because I have never dated anyone with a child. It’s not necessary a “turn-off”, but after finding out, I am slightly hestiant to move forward in our relationship. Is this normal? I know I’m not going to be this kids’ step-mom or anything right away, but I’ve also heard alot of horror stories from my friends about baby mama drama, etc. So i am not sure what to do.

Dru- That’s a completely normal reaction. It’s difficult to move forward because there are a ton of new variables to deal with outside of just getting to know someone, like will their kid accept me? Will we get along? Will he never see me as his mother? Can I one day treat this child as my own? I have a friend who married someone with a 6 year old and it was a perfect situation- the kid was adorable, really sweet, and welcomed him like a real dad.

What happens next is really how comfortable you feel about the situation. Obviously getting along with their kid would be a big factor in continuing on, and how the mother is in the picture and if you’re comfortable with that.

I’d say just take it really slow in this case, because you’re not only dating the guy, but you could also have an impact in his kid’s life too, which is something that you might want to be cognizant of. It may be difficult, but I wouldn’t say it can’t work out either. Just take it one day at a time and see how you feel.

And if it’s anything like 40 Year Old Virgin, you could be dating a hot grandpa.

So, this guy I’ve been dating of awhile recently asked me to be his gf and I am hesitate for what might be a stupid reason, but for some reason it bugs me. Basically, he has added some of my friends and family members on social media (ie FB, twitter, instagram, tumblr, etc), but has yet to add me! I know I can easily just add him too, but I’ve been waiting for him and in almost the year that we’ve been seeing each other he still hasn’t. What gives? Its not that big of a deal, but kind of strang

Dru- That is kinda weird, because when I meet a girl I like, I immediately add her on facebook so I can go through all her albums and like all the old pictures she’s in. What’s weird is after that, she usually unfriends me :(

Just kidding, but while it is a little odd for him not sending that friend request even after a year, I suppose one could rationalize that maybe he was waiting until it was “official” before sending you a friend request? Like, perhaps if he got rejected, he didn’t want to obviously unfriend you?

That’s a stretch though, so I mean, you could always jokingly bring it up- I don’t think that’s like a taboo subject- just be like, “Why aren’t we friends on facebook yet? Are you secretly married or something?”

Or maybe he’s a socially awkward penguin and since you never brought it up, he never sent you a request and then it just got to that point where you guys have known each other for so long it’s weird to finally send that friend request.

Hi Dru, i always hear about men willing to throw away his wife and kids for some fling with a hot younger thing. Well, i’m sure women do it too. Why do you think people are willing to throw away their family for something like that? This makes me scare a little bit. marriage seems so unstable.

Dru- With divorce rates seemingly skyrocketing every year, getting married always seems like a daunting undertaking, like the odds are against you from the start. It reminds me of the joke by Joe Wong: “I have a family now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, wow, 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever.”

I think people throw away a marriage for a variety of reasons- one could be that they are trying to fill a void in their life. Maybe they’re bored. Maybe they love the attention and the feeling that someone desires them physically again (which can be tough when you’re exhausted with kids).

But really, whatever happens down the line is out of your hands, so you’ll just have to put some faith in the person you vow to be with forever and enjoy the time you have with them. Just because other people get divorces has no correlation to the health of your own relationship. It’s like saying millions of people get into traffic accidents every year, so it’s just safer to not drive at all.

So just take a deep breath and dive on in. Don’t worry about someone cheating on you in the future. Like I say, you can’t prevent yourself from being hurt, but you can prevent yourself from being happy.

do you guys have any ideas for date night if we don’t really have my own space?

Steph: Yeah I can see how it’s awkward if you want to do a casual rented movie night and his mom is like walking the hallways and always getting stuff in and out of the kitchen.  Kind of a buzz kill!

Some thoughts:

• Amusement parks (some have discounted rates if you go after a certain time) and most have some sort of lights or fireworks show.  Zoos and aquariums are also surprisingly fun as adults.
• Some cities will have movie nights in a cemetery where you bring food, wine, etc.  Check your local listings!
• See a show - musical, comedy, etc.  Tickets don’t have to be expensive, one time Ryan and I saw a musical for $20/each because it was a random Tuesday night.
• Try new restaurants - that’s an obvious one.

do guys notice when girls do thoughtful gestures for them? does the girl improve her coolness quotient/earn extra brownie points with the guy?

Dru- Hell yes. Unless you fall into one of those relationships where you take the other person for granted. Don’t date those guys.

But that should be with any relationship- with family, friends, or significant others. You notice when people go out of their way to do something for you, no matter how small. This is, of course, a little different than say a guy buying a girl flowers every single day (don’t be that guy)- just little things like tidying up when someone is too tired, or if someone is feeling down, you take them out for a drink or something to cheer them up.

Shoot, if a girl does something thoughtful, she gets so many brownie points she may end up with diabeetus.

My hubby thinks I’m tired of him and it’s kinda true. I love him more than anything but we’re in a down period of our marriage where it’s kinda boring. we’re struggling financially so we spend a lOT of lowkey nights together. Im very frustrated cuz its not like hes exactly Mr. Romance so I feel like he shouldn’t be giving me shit. What can I do to stop being annoyed? I try to be sweet but he construes it as pity.

Dru- It just kinda sounds like he’s feeling really insecure- it could be for any number of reasons- like he feels he’s not successful enough and he feels responsible for you guys being stuck in all the time.

How about being more proactive on your stay-in nights? Take turns planning activities- there are a lot of fun things couples can do together that don’t require that much money. Video games, jigsaw puzzles, going to city-sponsored events, drink box wine and go to red box and rent some movies, try to learn to cook something new, or try to make amazing meals with limited ingredients, I dunno. As a challenge, make a nice big meal on Sundays, and then the rest of the week, you have to use the leftovers to make another type of meal. I just made that up- that sounds kinda fun and I may do that once I move at the end of the month haha. Make him be responsible for something fun and you’d be responsible for something next.

Obviously communication (as with everything) is the key here, and just bring it up that you do love him to death, and see what’s really bothering him. Say how can we fix this way of thinking.

Steph: STORYTIME: My friend’s husband was working a lot of hours and finally had a day or two off.  When he got home, his friend invited him out to drinks at a local bar…he asked my friend, my friend (rightfully so) said she’d prefer to have a date-night because he hasn’t been home in awhile.  He agreed.  But then a few hours passed and nothing happened.  There was a game on TV, he was on the computer, and she just kind of paced around the house until she couldn’t take it anymore.  Then HER friend texted her and asked if she wanted to go out for drinks…she felt so slighted that their “date night” wasn’t happening, she agreed.  He FLIPPED OUT (rightfully so), how can she tell him not to go out and then she turns around and does the same thing?

Here’s the thing - it was just as much her fault as his fault.  Yes, the game was on TV and he was just browsing FB when she expected to go on a date…but she didn’t plan a date either.  She didn’t give any suggestions, provide feedback, or let him know what she wanted to do.  

You have control over the situation too - you can be proactive and while things don’t have to ROMANTIC in the traditional sense, it can be fun.  Ryan and I recently started going to free tapings to things - that was so much fun and so free!  Try cooking together or doing things around the house (start a new project), you’ll notice that collaborating on things that improve both of your lives will actually be really fun and spending that time together is just as nice as having a ‘romantic’ dinner or having constant ‘deep’ conversations.  Romance is overrated and fun is underrated, find a hobby/activity you two can do that allows you to enjoy one another’s company, laugh, and be together.

Should I tell my bf that my friend has been acting weird toward me? my buddy who has been out of the country for sometime often come back and visit me and asked me to cook for him because he misses my cooking. I feel if some girl was saying these things to my bf i would want to know. how should i phrase it so it doesn’t sound too weird.

Dru- Well, first make sure you feel like he’s… coming on to you? Sometimes people just miss the comforts of home when they’ve been gone for a while, and maybe you make a mean spaghetti dish and it’s a comforting feeling of nostalgia for him, like, “Man, I miss the days when we could all just hang out like this again.”

If you feel it’s a little inappropriate, you can mention it to your bf or else you can just turn down his request for you to cook for him and let it die at that. OR you could just invite him to dinner at your place and you could cook for him and your bf. Not a big deal.

Otherwise, if you want to bring it up with your bf, how about asking your bf if he thinks it’s inappropriate first? Just be like, “hey, X just came back into town and he asked me to cook for him. Is that cool or is that weird?” And if there are other instances, bring it up and see what your bf thinks if it’s inappropriate or if it’s just a good friend catching up and missing his friends. Bring it up nonchalantly or whatnot and I think it should be fine.

Steph: Tramanh and I actually have talked about this because someone we know went through a situation similar, except instead of just kind of being like “I miss your cooking,” it was a little more explicit.

We debated whether or not we would tell our husband/fiance about it because as the girls, we would WANT to know if the same thing was happening to Tu/Ryan, but really, would we tell them because what would come out of it?  They could potentially get jealous for no reason, and really, what ACTION would we want them to take?  None.  So is it even WORTH us telling them?  Get them upset/annoyed for no reason, especially if we didn’t want them to do anything with it.  What good could come out of it?

At the end (and we actually did talk to Tu/Ryan about this separately), they agreed they would want to know.  Just to keep an eye on it and just so they’re not blind-sided.  I would do it in a casual way, like, “Hey ___ is back in town, he wanted me to cook for him, do you mind?” and see what he says.