dru, can you answer the question about the no pre martial sex question a few days ago? it would good to hear from a guy? find that it makes dating so hard. would a guy really last haha

Dru- I’m just going to answer the question assuming you mean physical intimacy to simplify the question. I think it’s possible. If I were dating a girl that was, “NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE”, I’d respect her beliefs if I saw something long term with her, so it’s fine. Like Stephanie said, there are plenty of alternatives to actually doing the deed itself, so if you can compromise with him on that and do those instead, it’d be alright. Guys I think tend to be more physical, so we need something to work with in the meantime.

I think most guys would be okay with it if they see you as someone they’d want to settle down with. If they were just only interested in casually dating, then that might be a deal breaker. Also, if you guys do absolutely nothing, and he proposes pretty quick, just make sure it’s not because he’s blue balling. Just sayin’, because it does happen.

My bf asked me something about my father and i know the question he asked me was mistakenly what his ex gf told him. he kept saying are you sure your father is not xxxxx. I was offended and annoyed because i once remember he mentioned something about his ex’s father. is he still thinking about her?

Dru- I’m 99% positive he’s not still thinking about her in this circumstance. Sometimes people confuse facts and that’s not a freudian slip of any sort. That’s like if I ate a sandwich with my friend last week and now I’m talking to you and was like, “Hey, wasn’t that sandwich awesome?” I recall the sandwich itself more than I recall my friend (I recall SOMEONE being there), but does that mean I am thinking about my friend? Probably not.

So I’m guilty of it too. If anything, he’s thinking about the dad. In which case, was the dad hot or what?

I am in a situation where I broke up with a bf of 2 years. Sometimes I keep replaying old scenarios in my head of all the good times and I feel like I just won’t be able to love anyone else. How long do you think it takes to officially get over someone completely and to never think about them? Do you think it’s okay to keep in contact with your ex’s?

Dru- Ah, looking back with rose-tinted glasses. I don’t think there’s a prescribed time limit before you’re finally over someone- it’s more how much you yourself want to get over it, how you can rationalize it, and trying to understand that it couldn’t work out. It sucks when they’ve moved on, and maybe the easiest way to get over someone is to find someone new. You will definitely love someone else, but you just have to stop looking at the closed door first and be open to the idea.

I wouldn’t keep in touch with an ex if I still had feelings for them, but if you guys can see each other without thinking of them in that way, then that’s perfectly fine too.

My friend referered me to this foreign service job that is a perfect fit for me. I’ll be working in different country every two years, but the problem is I’m getting married next year and i don’t know if the fiance is willing to follow me everywhere for the next say 4 years. What will he be doing while i work? what if he hates the country/life style? What should i do?

Dru- Well, if you’re getting married, he should definitely have input in the decision because being married is about the two of you, not just you. You have to think about him too, because what if the roles were reversed? What WOULD he do?

There’s clearly a lot to discuss- if he’s open to the idea of giving up his career to follow you around and find whatever’s available in the country you happen to be in (obviously short term, so a moot point for his career), then you’ve got nothing to worry about. Or maybe he’s fine with long distance and you guys would just schedule plans to see each other frequently and do that skype thing all you kids like to do these days. Maybe he’ll see if his job will let him transfer overseas and accommodate. Maybe he can just take classes overseas and you’ll support the both of you. Maybe he likes that lifestyle. There are too many variables to this equation, obviously.

So to answer your question: just ask him what he thinks.

what do you think about 2 people dating that come from different cultural backgrounds? Do you think it could cause problems between both families?

Dru- Two people from different cultural backgrounds is perfectly fine as long as they’re both respectful of their different backgrounds. But man, parents can be crazy sometimes. I have friends from plenty of different nationalities whose parents only want them to marry the same nationality, and some people have even had to break up long term relationships because their family never approved. So yes. But sometimes eventually the parents give up and realize their kids are actually in a happy relationship. That happens too.

On a side note, it sucks when I have friends/family who date outside their nationality and their significant other doesn’t like their traditional food, so they have to prepare two different meals if they want to eat their home cooking. I’m sure their relationship is fine, but every time I see that, it makes me sad.

if you asked your significant other a question about how things went down between him & the ex and he told you the story but you later find out that he lied, is it worth it to confront him about it?

Dru- There are always two sides to every story and everyone will tell the version as they felt it. Maybe the version you heard was the other side, but not entirely right either. Everyone has some sort of bias in how they tell a story. How big of a lie was it? Is it big enough that it would make you question his character? Was his version really a complete lie? Would you believe his version or the other version? Is it really worth digging up the past?

Here’s another excerpt from the thread I read on the best advice people have received about marriage:

My dad always taught me to ask myself “Is this the hill you want to die on?” In other words, before you refuse to budge on an issue, make REAL sure it is something you actually care that much about. Just regularly do little things you don’t want to do. On the other side of that, of course, is that when you DO choose to stand your ground on an issue, your spouse will know it really matters to you because you don’t make a fuss about trivial shit all the time.

I see so many couples get into fights over meaningless bullshit because neither one of them will budge an inch on something as stupid as who is going to do the dishes on a Wednesday night. Just let shit go sometimes.

what do you think about the dating game and playing hard to get? it is really necessary to play this stupid game in the beginning to set precedence for the relationship? (see books like ‘think like a man’). to me it just seems like tricking guys into liking you? whatever happened to just two people who are interested and want to get to know each other?

Steph: I’m not a personal fan of the games; I get the excitement around the cat & mouse chase, but the whole “waiting for 3 days” and then only texting him once he texts you first, etc. is just dumb to me.  I mean, WHY?  What does it accomplish?  Of course, coming on TOO strong (e.g. “I see your future WITH ME” or “I want to get married and have 3 kids in the next 2 1/2 years”) is super creepy as well.  It’s about striking that balance.  

I kind of think times have changed a little where girls are now empowered to make the first move, to text “I had a great time, hope to see you soon.” after a date, and to initiate any physical contact.  I also kind of think guys have started to over-analyze things and maybe that’s why nothing gets accomplished.

If you like a guy and want to see him, why not just ask him out?  Not like to be your husband, but just to coffee or to grab happy hour or to see a movie.  Why wait around and just *hope* he’s going to call you?  Unlike waiting for a job offer or winning the lottery, you HAVE control over the situation.  USE IT.

Dru- Meh, the game is dumb. If you like someone, let them know. Don’t make up some person you have to be to trick someone into liking you. As Jon Hamm says,  “Don’t define yourself by who wants to get with you.” Just be yourself. Sometimes if you like someone, it just doesn’t work out, but that’s just life.

You know what’s more interesting? A girl who doesn’t play the dating game. If you make the first approach, it almost always catches the guy off guard.

I’m dating this guy who treats me better than anyone I’ve ever dated. We have a similar personality. But he’s 30, living at home, working a dead end job, no post-secondary education & he hangs with the wrong crowd. He wants to go to university but he’s self-deprecating & he doesn’t know how he can do uni & support himself at the same time. He has no direction. Is it too late for him? I want to help him but I don’t know how. His whole family is like this & I feel like I’m working against a lot.

Steph: This guy seems to lack direction, but not drive.  Sometimes all it takes is the right influence and the right spark.  It’s a bit later in life, but if he has the conviction and has the self-realization that he SHOULD want more and COULD be more, then all he needs is the help to put him on the right path.  

From what I hear from friends/family, it’s easier to find a guy who has a great job, great education, and great income (all looks good on paper) than it is to find a guy who is caring, compassionate, and treats you the way you ought to be treated.  So if you have the second part and he wants to have the first part, you can definitely be the influence to help get him there.

The one watch-out is if you try to direct him and try to help him be a better man, but he doesn’t follow through after a couple of attempts, it may just signify that that’s where he’s happy in his life.  Not EVERYONE needs to always be a CEO or VP of a company.  Some people are perfectly happy coasting.  But you shouldn’t give up without even trying to see if he wants to better himself, for you and your relationship.  

Compliment him at what he’s good at or where his strong suits are and see if that’s something worth exploring; ask him if he’s wanted to get a promotion and help him get his resume in tact.  It’s the small pushes (with the affirmation that he can do it) that may be what he needs to take his career to the next level.

Dru- He has no direction? Maybe you can be his One Direction and that’s what will make him beautiful. All joking aside, it’s NEVER too late to learn new things- you always hear about people tapping into their more creative potential as they get older. There are people in their thirties who are just starting med school. You can always teach an old dog new tricks, and thinking any differently will mean you’re stuck where you are.

So with that said, I do think he just needs a little reassurance and support from you and a nudge in the right direction. But like Stephanie said, he has to want it- you can’t force a major or career on him or he ain’t gonna like it. Sometimes it just takes some people a little while longer to find what they want in life, or maybe he’s perfectly happy with how he is. If he’s still trying to figure out his career path in his 30’s, there’s nothing wrong with that- like Stephanie said (I need to start replying faster, or I’m just going to be stuck referencing Stephanie’s response all “that’s what she said” haha) it’s easier to find someone who looks good on paper than someone who clicks with you. If he doesn’t know what he wants to do, have him talk to more people and see what they do for a living. Sometimes that’ll be the spark that says, “Ok, I should study this to become X”.

Also, set smaller attainable goals so that the overriding primary goal isn’t as daunting a task. That way, he’ll feel a small sense of accomplishment as he accomplishes each small task as he works towards his goal. It can be anywhere from, “start researching career industries” or “look into university programs” or “see current job career path” or “research related industries/how can I use my skills in another career?” or “set budget to move out of house” or anything.

And if he still needs some motivation- have him watch this. Every once in a while, I’ll watch this and it’ll get me back up wanting to push forward in life.

If you have been with someone for a while do you think it’s okay to know details about your bf past such as names of girls he’s dated and what he has done etc. To some guys this really offends them or they just don’t care. Or do you think that just makes you insecure?

Steph: I think you have to read the room.  If he seems open about his exes and you HONESTLY want to know for informational purposes and will do everything in your power to 1. not get jealous and 2. use that information against him, then it’s okay to ask.  I think a lot of times guys get defensive because girls will often use that information to trap them later or bring it up at a later time.  That’s unfair to him and it definitely makes him want to close off any other information like that.  Hey, I’m guilty of it too…it’s taken quite a few years and a lot of reassurance from Ryan (and maybe an engagement ring) to be perfect asking about the past without using as ammo later, so I get it.  But ultimately, if you want to know, you have to be okay with whatever he tells you and you too, should be open about your past too.  It’s more about how you handle the situation versus the fact that you’re asking.

Dru- Meh, I think with some people, it’s more like, the past is past, why delve back into it? The current relationship is the only one that matters, not the ghosts from back then. You’re not COMPETING with the exes- like, “You used to eat at this restaurant with that whore of an ex? What did she like? I’m not getting that!”

Like Stephanie said, if you’re just asking to be curious about more superficial details and not with the intent to use it later, that’s fine. I don’t think I’d really care too much about finding out too much about exes other than if it really meant it would improve my current relationship. Or if she brings it up and volunteers that information, then I’d listen. Otherwise, that’s time I could be spending watching cats on the internet.

Do you believe that 2 people could really grow apart from each other and that love is just not enough?

Steph: Sad to say, but yes.  I do think that’s probably one of the most popular reasons why couples don’t work out.  It’s not that they don’t LOVE each other, it’s just that they don’t even know each other anymore.  We all grow, some are fortunate to grow together, most grow apart.  It’s not anyone’s fault, but you start to realize who you were when you started dating isn’t necessarily the same person as who you are now.  And who he is (whether he’s changed or not) may not be the person you’re with.  Sometimes love and sentiment just isn’t enough.

Dru- Of course- for the same reason why friendships end. On a somewhat related note, I just read a discussion thread the other day on people’s best advice they’ve received on marriage and I liked this one:

Since I believe in not having pre-marital sex do you think you can build intimacy with someone without having sex?

Steph: Of course!  I think intimacy is more than just actual sex.  It can be just lying next to one another while watching tv, or spooning.  It can be a soft caress on the arm or a heavy makeout session.  There are a lot of ways to build intimacy and have physical contact without compromising your beliefs.

I just met this guy and gave him my number, but now I’m regretting it. He has called everyday and if I don’t answer he calls two more times. I’m all for not playing games and not adhering to any dating rules, but it’s getting annoying. When we’re on the phone, there’s this awkward silence, where I’m thinking, “I just want to hang up already.” Should I just be honest with this guy when I see him or should I just go along with this to see where this goes? It’s only been a week of this clinginess.

Steph: I would be honest.  Nothing is more annoying (on either side) than thinking you’re doing him a favor and just kind of playing along.  Instead, let him know that you think he’s a great guy, but that it’s not what you’re looking for right now.  If he asks why, just say you’re not ready to date anyone or have any commitments right now.  You don’t have to say he’s annoying or clingy.  I mean, it’s been A WEEK and he’s already called you 100x, if that’s not what you’re into, then that’s not what you’re into.

Just cut the fish loose and move on.

Dru- Stephanie is right. I’m just chiming in here to ask, are you Carly Rae Jepsen?

Do you think that a couple that has fallen out of love but has been together for a decade can fall back in love? Or have a successful relationship? We are currently broken up but I can still see the future with him. We’ve fallen out of love for awhile now, we don’t even kiss, hold hands, or do anything “coupley.”

Steph: I definitely think the spark can be reignited with couples that have been together long-term.  My biggest pillars of success (that is totally marketing jargon, btw) are two things: 1. You have to foresee, understand, and accept the evolution of a relationship and 2. You have to actually LIKE being with the person.

When I talk about foreseeing, understanding, and accepting the evolution of a relationship, I don’t mean that you have be like “Oh we’ve been dating for 6 years, that’s why I wear sweats all day and never bother looking him in the eyes.”  I mean relationships will inevitably go through phases - from courtship to the newlywed honeymoon phase to really figuring each other out to marriage to being parents, etc.  For me personally, the fact that I know when Ryan and I have kids, our relationship may turn into a blend of a partnership AND romantic relationship has given me a new perspective on expectations.  Because we’ll be in a partnership, I can’t get upset if he doesn’t wine and dine me all the time.  I won’t get upset if we have to do boring chores like laundry, housekeeping, running errands.  At the same time, I realize that we are still in a romantic relationship and hope to make the effort to spend time as such (late night dinners, movies, weekend trips, etc.)   My point is - I’ve seen relationships go stale because one of the two people have an unrealistic expectation that their relationship will always be in the “courtship” or “newlywed phase” where everything is rose-colored, you get butterflies in your stomach, you get nervous when you talk to them, it’s the cat/mouse chase, you always want that ‘new car smell’.  Sorry, after a decade, you KNOW the person well enough to not be nervous or giddy, but that doesn’t mean your relationship is stale or has gone awry, it just means things have evolved.

Secondly, it’s really about liking each other.  Do you ENJOY spending time with your significant other?  Do you LIKE being around him?  Do you LOOK FORWARD to spending time with him, with others or by yourself?  Do you laugh, are you being challenged, are you being stimulated, does he bring value to your life and your relationship?  These ultimately boil down to you liking the person.   Not love.  But liking.  I mean we love things, like chocolate cake, but would you want to be around it all the time?  Think about what you ultimately like about your significant other - he makes you laugh, he challenges you mentally, he makes you feel safe, etc.  Sometimes it’s easy to just be like, “Ugh he is so annoying all the time!” and forget WHY you’re with him to begin with.  

Since you guys are already broken up, maybe this time apart is what you two need to kind of reevaluate where you are individually and as a couple and it can be really helpful when you two reunite.  But yes, I do think that a couple who has fallen out of love can make it work - but only if you two want it to.

Or you can read 50 Shades of Gray, maybe it’ll get you really horny and spark it up again.  I kid!!!

What should I do if my boyfriend and I can’t see eye to eye? We try to “switch places and make references to similar situations, but sometimes his attempt to do said things are almost like comparing apples to oranges. I try to accommodate him (change ways to make him less upset) and he’ll forgive me & say it’s ok, but then he’ll randomly bring it up later like he still holds it against me and makes it seem like I haven’t tried to fix it before. It’s a reoccurring problem that we’ve talked about.

Steph: It’s kind of hard to say if we don’t what the issue is, but if you’ve tried talking it out, seeing other’s point of view, and even trying to change yourself for the betterment of the relationship, I wonder if it’s something imperative (deal-breaker) for your relationship?  Is it something like, “COME ON, I said put the toilet paper OVER, not UNDER.” or is it, “I don’t like the way you talk to me in front of people.”  Those are two completely different things and one of them you can get over, and the other, you have to reevaluate your relationship.

Have a serious talk with him and see if it’s something that you two find critical in your relationship.  If it’s one of the pillars, then you might want to really figure out how you can solve it - maybe it’s talking to a friend on the side and asking for their advice, maybe it’s seeing a relationship counselor.  Whatever the solution, you two need to talk about what steps need to be taken to rectify it first.

I’m so confused and don’t know what to think about this guy I am currently talking to. We met ar a party, he asked for my number and since then we’ve been texting/flirting back and forth almost every day. But every time I try to hang out with him, he ends up bailing even when he was the one who initiated the outing. For instance, he’ll text me and say “I want to see avengers” and I’ll respond “me too” and he’ll reply ” alright let’s go”. But no follow through. And then he’ll text me a couple day days later asking when we’re gonna hang out. And then the cycle repeats. What is going on? We can have all night texting sessions, but he won’t have dinner or see a movie with me? Is is just not that into me? And if he isn’t than why keep talking to me?

Steph: Ugh I hate people like that - always like, “We should totally hang out!” but then…never hangs out.  I think he might be nervous to pull the trigger and make plans.  The FEAR of rejection, the FEAR of him going, “Hey, so want to see Avengers tomorrow?” and you’re like “Oh, I have plans…” and even if it’s true, it’s still a rejection on his end.  

Maybe try setting up an actual date yourself so he knows you’re serious and not being facetious.  Just go, “Hey there’s movie times on Friday at 8:30pm, wanna meet up?” so that way he knows you’re actually into seeing him and not stringing him along.

If he then bails, then I would just end it.  I mean, clearly he enjoys the banter and talking, but if he doesn’t want to see you, then that’s time to say, “cool, moving on.”