Hi tramanh. My fiancé and I are just starting out in the real world from grad school and we want to have a healthy relationship with our finances. You and tu seem to have it all put together. Can you give a general breakdown (like percentages) of how much of your paychecks go towards savings, morgage, retirement, spending money, bills, etc? I know every situation is different but it would be a really helpful starting point for us. Thanks!

Tramanh:  Hmmm…it’s hard to say because Husband’s percentages would be different from my percentages.  Also, I don’t know how much I’m contributing to my 401K.  Admittedly, I have no idea what’s going on with that.  I just know it comes out of my paycheck and into a magical bank account that will be for my using when I’m 65…..right???  Husband’s supposed to teach me about my 401K, but of course that has not happened.  I contribute about an additional 5% to a Roth IRA as well.

Everything’s a little skewed because we still own a house in Houston (that we’re leasing out), but we are still paying for the property taxes ourselves.  We are paying rent in Seattle right now.  Would all of that be grouped together?  If it is, I guess my percentage is like 25%?

I’m also paying about 25% towards my law school loans (stupids), which not everyone has either.  10% to transportation (gas guzzling SUV).  5% to “extra” savings.  Remaining 30% I guess goes to everything else - bills, expenses, spending, fun.

This is helpful:  http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_percent_of_your_paycheck_should_go_to_monthly_bills

My ex started paying child support last yr and paid up to October and stopped paying since I stopped letting him see him since he lost my phone #. Well I thought of it as he knows where I live so he should technically come see him if he really wanted to. Do you think I could contact the child support ppl and force him to pay what needs to be paid or send him to jail? (he has a criminal record by the way). And would I be able to get him to give up his rights since he hasn’t paid?

Steph: Have you tried to amicably solve this?  Meaning, he lost your phone number, but did you lose his?  Why not call him and just ask him to send you the child support?  Did you try emailing him and letting him know he’s behind on his payments and you really need the help to raise your child?

Coming from a divorced family, it breaks my heart to hear about how parents are using money and their child as leverage: “He didn’t pay child support so he can’t see his child” and “I haven’t seen my child so I’m not going to pay child support.”  Who really wins at this game?  I’ll tell you who loses - your kid.

I’m sorry to get on my high horse but by not letting your child see his/her father because he won’t pay child support can be scarring for you kid; I personally do not have a great relationship with my biological father because he would manipulate me and use me against my mom, he would tell my mom in front of me “You’re single mom, you’re not fit to raise our daughter, I’m taking you to court” I mean, how could I ever look at my dad the same way again?  Why would he try to rip me away from my mother?  All because THEY couldn’t work out their relationship?  Unfair.

Try to come to terms with your ex, and for the love of God, please think of what’s best for for your child.  If you need to go the legal route, go to court and ask for child support - if you go that way, it will automatically be deducted from his paycheck and he doesn’t have a choice.  But by law, you then HAVE to let your child see his father based on the ruling.  

It’s a lot easier if you two come to your own terms (every other weekend, $500 a month in child support) or whatnot.  And if you two don’t get along or do bicker, do it while your kid is at school and not when he’s anywhere near you guys.

what’s your advice is a salary range is requested on the job app? i’m looking for a job and i’m really ok with making less pay as i make commission so i’m already in the 6 figure range which i think could be intimidating to potential employers. what do you guys think?

Steph: So your CURRENT salary is 6 figures because you make commission, but is the job you are applying for also the same (salary + commission) or just salary?  If it’s the same setup as your current job (salary + commission), I would note that you are looking to make “$XXX,XXX - $XXX,XXXX (including commission).”  

If the job is ONLY salary, then I would check glassceiling.com to see what the average pay for that position (and company) is.  That way, you’ll know what you should be expecting.  If this job is asking you for your desired salary is, that doesn’t mean you put what you are making NOW if the jobs are not equivalent.  You can always explain via interview that you understand you make more now with commission, but you are realistic if that option is not available with the job you are applying for.

Is it terrible that I sort of judge men by their salary? It’s not a deal breaker but it’s something I consciously think about it. My previous relationship was with someone who was financially successful at an early age and I think I use that as a marker for any future men I meet.

Dru- Of course not, I totally judge women by their boob size so I think that’s fair game (just kidding). I don’t think it’s terrible if financial stability is something you look for in a significant other as long as you yourself don’t need to rely on him to get by.

I’m sure men have used such markers on you as well- we all have our specific traits/characteristics/qualities we look for in others and I’m sure they’re not all non-superficial. I mean, I know women who won’t date men for being younger, or for not being tall enough. Just don’t make salary preempt the person as a whole- is it really salary that attracts you, or more ambition/confidence? If it’s just the dollar signs, it sounds a little more like you’re more attracted to the money than the man.

Steph: I don’t think it’s fair to judge anyone by any standard, but you know, everyone does it.  It’s natural.  Like DRU said, as long as it’s not the SOLE factor when you look at how someone, but more of a “deal breaker” for you.  It may be your natural selection process - the more money someone makes, the better they’ll be able to take care of you and your children, the more likely you will live a lush life.  

My thing is, what if you meet someone who doesn’t make as much as your so-called standard, and you love everything about them?  Does he then cease to exist in your life because he doesn’t pull in the same amount as your ex?  How would you feel if someone did that to you?  Like DRU said, maybe it’s just the ambition/drive/self-promotion you’re into, versus the money itself.

Tramanh- You have a lot of high end things like shoes and purses, makeup products, clothes etc (which is awesome because you work really hard and you can afford them!) but is there anything that you won’t spend a lot of money on because it’s not worth it? Any cases you’ve found where the generic/drugstore/cheaper thing is better? Or have you found that everything is mostly just you get what you pay for? Just wondering

Tramanh:  I’m as open to high end as low end for most things.  I love designer clothes as much as the next clothes-obsessed style blogger, but a ton of my clothes are also from F21, Urban Outfitters, and more recently, Zara (esp. ever since they launched their awesome online shopping site).  I think there’s a lot of leeway with clothing.  Just check material, stitching, and overall fit.  You can find some surprisingly well-made items at the cheaper stores.  I generally try to stay away from polyester and stick to cottons and silks.  I personally like rayons a lot because it looks (and feels) better than polyester, and is just as inexpensive.

For shoes, I do find that in general, you get what you pay for.  I think a cheap pair of shoes looks more obviously cheap than a cheap tank top.  However, that doesn’t mean that you need to wear ALL designer shoes.  Mid-level brands like Nine West, Steve Madden, Sam Edelman, Vince Camuto, Jeffrey Campbell, etc. all make good shoes.  Some more cheap looking than others, and some more ridiculously priced than others, but there are some good buys if you look carefully.  I don’t think I’d pay any more than $75 on any of those brands.  I don’t own any Jeffrey Campbell, but I know they’re more expensive because they’re more “fashion forward.”  I also swore off fake leather shoes a while ago, but I have to admit, Zara has been making a lot of impressive looking PU shoes.  It’s just hard to spend $XX on shoes that aren’t even leather!  I just bought a Zara pair for $50 though. =|

I don’t buy purses often, MAYBE once a year, so if I do, I usually just buy ONE nice purse.  I stopped buying casual, less expensive bags a while ago so I don’t own many purses anymore.  The few I do own are the ones I’ll keep for a long time.  This year it was my Chanel WOC.  Last year I bought my Alexander Wang bag.  If I need a casual bag to run errands, I just use my LL Bean tote.

For drugstore stuff, I have a pretty varied mix of beauty items.  My current cheaper/drugstore items are:

my friend is making a huge flauta sale to raise money for her wedding she has alot of people helping her fund her wedding what are you opinions on this. I say why not have a smaller wedding. just confused

Steph: Sometimes it’s not as easy as just having a smaller wedding as certain locations have flat-rate expenses and minimums.  I’m sure she could do a less expensive wedding, maybe finding a different location, cutting back on her dress expenses, but it’s ultimately her choice to have a set budget and if she can’t make it, find other means to make ends meet.

I’m not saying that it comes off strange as a wedding is certainly in her control (no one is forcing her to have a wedding that costs more than she likes), but just like how there are money dances and cash gifts, most guests understand that it’s costly to have a wedding and a little bit can help a lot. 

Stephanie, my fiance thinks it’s a waste of money to have a professional photographer to take our wedding pictures but for me i want to look good so i want to hire someone that’s professional. He wants to ask our friends (who i think are amateur) to take our pictures. What should i do?? it’s only once in a life time and i want to look purttty.

Steph: You will have to have a frank discussion about the top 5 priorities of your wedding so you two are on the same page.  Let him know that out of the 5 things (including venue, dress, etc.) that photography is high up there.  You only get ONE shot at taking these photos for this ONE special day and while you think that his friends are great side-photographers, you would rather leave it to the professionals.  It’s their job to understand what goes into a wedding and what standard and candid shots are the best, they know how to get the best angles, the best shots, make people feel at ease, and get those moments onto pictures.  On top of that, they know how to produce, edit, and fix photos that your friends may not have the expertise in.

If those points don’t get you in - let him know you would rather have his friends sit back and ENJOY the wedding as guests versus making them work for you.  By all means they can supplement the professionals (maybe behind the scenes or pictures of the guests while the professionals are taking photos of you), but you would feel bad if you asked them to work on a day in which you would rather celebrate with them.

do you think its a step backwards if you move back in with your parents after youre married. to save money and to get back on your feet.

Steph: As long as you and your husband are okay with this, then no, I do not think it’s a step back.  If it makes financial sense for you and your husband and as a couple, you two decide that it’s what’s the best plan, then do it.  

I do think that you should have a timeline though - I think it gets really easy to always want to save, save, and save (which is a great idea), but at what point do you pull the trigger to move out on your own?  Write a timeline, talk about your finances, and figure out a game plan so that you two can make sure this is the right step for you.  

The pros are very strong, but there are cons with moving back with your parents.  For instance, you only get to be a newlywed couple once.  You deserve that privacy and thrill of being just the two of you.  You get to cook for him, he for you.  You’ll have a place to call your own from humble beginnings.  However, if it causes stress, aggravation, and isn’t financially smart, then what’s the point?  Finances are the #1 cause of fights among couples - if you can avoid it and reset by moving in with your parents, then that might be a solution for you guys.

Tramanh, what do you think of the Chanel 2.55? i love the purse but gosh, i feel like the price is getting higher and higher each day :(

Tramanh:  It’s been increasing in price once or twice a year for the past couple years.  My mom bought her 2.55 jumbo flap in black caviar in 2007 for about $2500.  I think it’s currently $4400.  WHICH IS INSANE.

I do still love that bag and if I ever get around to saving $4400+tax, I’d definitely buy it.  The way I see it, that purse will never change.  It’s always the exact same purse and will always be a classic.  The only thing that changes is the price, which increases each year.  Assuming that you’ll ALWAYS want it, it just makes sense (to me) that if you can afford it, you should get it.

It’s an investment.  If my mom sold her bag now, even used, she’d make a profit.

Tramanh, What’s the best way to negotiate when I’m looking for a wedding venue? The place that i really like wants us to use their catering company, do you think i can ask them to serve us only their appetizer if they let us have our own catering? Their catering service is horrible, i had their food before and everything is awful, but the venue is absolutely beautiful!

Tramanh: It certainly never hurts to ask. Maybe if you agree to spend over a certain amount, they’ll agree to let you cater other food in. I know with some places, especially places that cook/seve their own food, there are liability issues with bringing in outside food. If someone gets sick, you don’t know whose food caused it and the venue probably doesn’t want that liability. For us, although their policy was to not allow outside food in, we just asked them if we could cater in midnight snacks and they were ok with it.

tramanh, are you planning on selling your house since you’ll be in seattle for awhile?

Tramanh: We’ll probably sell it at some point, but I think we’ll wait until we’re ready to buy again and know where and what we want to buy before we sell it.

Tram, did you receive financial support from your parents while you were in law school? Do you think law school would have been possible without it? Do you have any tips for someone going to law school without no financial support at all from family?

tramanh: My parents didn’t help me with law school so I had to take out loans. It’s not so bad, and not that unusual. You just have to be realistic about being able to pay back those loans afterwards. It’s not fun, but completely possible!

What do you guys think about cheap guys? My friend is dating this guy who is the definition of cheap. She would borrow $10 from him and he would ask for it back or he would only take her to eat McDonald when they go out. They are both in their late 20s and he’s an engineer making lots of $$. she keeps complaining to me about him but would not leave him. What gives?

Steph: Maybe he just likes McDonald’s? (Ryan and I went to McDonalds on our first date - true story)  I think it’s one thing to be frugal (saving money, not spending it on frivolous things) but it’s not another thing to be cheap (cutting corners, not spending the appropriate money for quality items, etc.)

A friend’s friend of mine is pretty wealthy, but he always pays his OWN share of his bill, never pays for everyone else, never “gets a round” knowing that his friends will get the next round.  He’s incredibly frugal, and almost cheap.  To me, that’s pretty cheap, but to him, it’s how he became wealthy.  So it’s almost a different mindset.

I personally don’t mind frugality, of course.  We all love a good deal, we all love saving money for something special or something big.  But I am not fond of CHEAP people, aka: If you buy me a coffee and I return the favor but your coffee is cheaper than my original, don’t ask me to pay you the $0.79 difference. 

Your friend may need to talk to the guy she’s seeing to talk about expectations and stuff.  Maybe he has a lot of bills he needs to pay off (school, car, etc.) or maybe he has to help his parents.  I hate it when people assume just because you’re in a certain field, you make a lot of $$ and when you try to be frugal, it’s reflected poorly.  Instead, have your friend talk to him to see what his goals are and get a better understanding. 

Dru- I know cheap girls and I know cheap guys. Frugal people know when it’s alright to save, but they can still splurge on the people in their life. If they have a lot of financial responsibilities/debt, I can understand being cheap out of necessity. People’s financial priorities are definitely different- it bugs me to death when people tell me they’re broke and can’t go meet up, but they’re out going on trips and buying luxury goods and whatnot. You just kind of understand that they’re reprioritizing what they want to spend money on so it’s nothing personal.

Stephanie definitely has a diplomatic approach to this question, but man, people notice when you don’t buy rounds but you’re still drinking when the rounds come around. Don’t be that person.

With your girlfriend, if they’re serious and she sees a future with him, then yes, a talk is necessary about expectations. She could be with him because everything else about him is wonderful, or maybe she’s thinking he’ll change his miserly ways. She’s probably just venting to you, and people usually hear the bad stuff about significant others more than the good, but that doesn’t mean things aren’t going well. His cheapness could be a trait that she’s willing to overlook, but it just bugs her on occasion. In any case, I’d suggest her having that talk.

does how much you make impact how you view yourself? do you think how much you make impacts how others/society views you?

Steph: I think my financial success definitely plays a role in how successful I am and how much I’ve accomplished, especially in my industry.  Most of our promotions/raises are merit-based so moving up definitely helps encourage me and make me feel like I’m putting my education and experience to good use.

Now is the ONLY factor in how I view myself?  Definitely not.  There are a lot of other qualities and achievements I’m proud of outside of income.  But I’d being lying if I didn’t say that it helped me understand where I am and where I need to be in my career.  

I don’t think anyone really knows how much Ryan or I make (on purpose) as that’s no one’s business except our HR departments and directors, so I don’t really care if they look down on me because they think I don’t make enough.

Dru- Not really- unlike Stephanie’s industry, my job is a little more vague in terms of pay as it’s a niche service. I can pay my bills every month and I’ve never thought I can’t have a good time because I’m not making enough- one always makes the best of what they have. I’m too busy trying to cultivate my other strengths instead of focusing on the end paycheck. I figure if I can improve those, the money will follow eventually.

Of course I’m not naive at all and what I make definitely impacts how others/society view me and people have told me as such. Everyone compares to others and the intangibles are harder to quantify, so the lifestyle you live at a specific age is the easiest indicator to others of how you’re doing (hence why askphivy gets questions on what people think of guys still living with their parents).

I think my bf feels pressured to buy a big engagement ring for me because all his friends are doing that. I told him i dont care as long its coming from him. he says he wants to get me something big because i deserve it..but it’s a lot of $$..

Dru- Diamond rings are like comparing the size of guys’ junks. When it’s too big, it catches people’s eyes from afar, but it’s impractical. Of course, people seem to equate size of the ring as proportional to the love of that person and if all your friends are buying their girlfriends 2 carat rings, of course you don’t want your girlfriend to think that you only love her half as much with a 1 carat ring (which obviously isn’t true, you only really love her 1/4 as much JUST KIDDING).

With that being said, you could tell him as you’ve already said that obviously the size doesn’t matter and you could just get a different cut or setting that makes it look bigger (TWSS). If he’s feeling pressured, you could also say put that extra money he would have spent (diminishing returns- buying a diamond twice as large would cost more than twice as much so mathematically it doesn’t make sense to buy super large) into say, getting a nice honeymoon or saving up for a down payment for a house/car or somesuch. If he still feels bad, you guys can just laugh at those who paid way more to get less or something.

Steph: Oh yes, we’ve talked about this a lot.  I don’t know why, but lately we’ve been getting an influx of “My bf feels the need to give me a huge engagement ring” questions…and I think it’s a trend we’re seeing more and more these days, especially with girls/guys our age.  

http://www.askphivy.com/post/9923116214/ryan-do-you-feel-the-pressure-to-buy-steph-a-big-rock

http://www.askphivy.com/post/19305190503/my-bf-wants-to-propose-to-me-but-doesnt-have-the-funds

Firstly, it’s up to you and him.  There are a lot of different settings and solutions that will work for you that may not for your friends without having to splurge on a 2carat ring.

For instance, a halo setting or a higher mount will make the center stone look larger or a round-cut reflects more light and will look bigger than a princess cut.  Those two things in itself will make your ring appear bigger without breaking the bank.

Also, there is nothing wrong with upgrading later.  Don’t be so concerned about the actual engagement ring that you two can’t afford a wedding or a honeymoon.  Be financially smart.  You could also go for a precious stone, which is unique and something that is starting to become a little more popular versus the traditional diamond.  

Quality is also plays a big role - if your diamond is smaller but is clear and virtually colorless, it will look a lot brighter and bigger than if he got a huge diamond but it was cloudy and yellow.

Lastly, as much as you keep telling him that you want a small ring, I think it might be best to SHOW him that you like smaller diamonds and that the settings you like don’t necessarily go with ridiculously big rocks.  It might be one of those things that you two casually browse for settings and instead of looking at the settings with the 2.5 carat center stones, look at the 0.7 with the nice detailing.