I’m not a shy person but more of an extrovert and never really say much because fear of hurting others. how do i become more brave in voicing my opinion without fearing that i’m hurting others? I always hold it in and sometimes it leads to anger.

Dru- Ah, the introverted extrovert. Or vice versa. Obviously you don’t want to bottle up resentment because you never know when it’ll burst out unexpectedly. A lot of expressing opinions comes from delivery. Some people throw out their opinion and it comes out like a harsh criticism that sets people bristling. Usually you can voice an opinion in a joking or light-hearted way as a fail safe, so that your opinion is out there, but you’re not dead serious and killing the mood.

I will sometimes (or perhaps my friends would say I do it too often) put out my opinion tempered by checking to see if other people are okay with it, because usually it’s a situation where I’m okay with something happening either way, I just like to put options on the table.

I’d suggest you just start voicing your opinions. If someone feels hurt, you can always apologize, and if they’re good enough friends, they’ll understand you didn’t mean it that way.

Should I tell my bf that my friend has been acting weird toward me? my buddy who has been out of the country for sometime often come back and visit me and asked me to cook for him because he misses my cooking. I feel if some girl was saying these things to my bf i would want to know. how should i phrase it so it doesn’t sound too weird.

Dru- Well, first make sure you feel like he’s… coming on to you? Sometimes people just miss the comforts of home when they’ve been gone for a while, and maybe you make a mean spaghetti dish and it’s a comforting feeling of nostalgia for him, like, “Man, I miss the days when we could all just hang out like this again.”

If you feel it’s a little inappropriate, you can mention it to your bf or else you can just turn down his request for you to cook for him and let it die at that. OR you could just invite him to dinner at your place and you could cook for him and your bf. Not a big deal.

Otherwise, if you want to bring it up with your bf, how about asking your bf if he thinks it’s inappropriate first? Just be like, “hey, X just came back into town and he asked me to cook for him. Is that cool or is that weird?” And if there are other instances, bring it up and see what your bf thinks if it’s inappropriate or if it’s just a good friend catching up and missing his friends. Bring it up nonchalantly or whatnot and I think it should be fine.

Steph: Tramanh and I actually have talked about this because someone we know went through a situation similar, except instead of just kind of being like “I miss your cooking,” it was a little more explicit.

We debated whether or not we would tell our husband/fiance about it because as the girls, we would WANT to know if the same thing was happening to Tu/Ryan, but really, would we tell them because what would come out of it?  They could potentially get jealous for no reason, and really, what ACTION would we want them to take?  None.  So is it even WORTH us telling them?  Get them upset/annoyed for no reason, especially if we didn’t want them to do anything with it.  What good could come out of it?

At the end (and we actually did talk to Tu/Ryan about this separately), they agreed they would want to know.  Just to keep an eye on it and just so they’re not blind-sided.  I would do it in a casual way, like, “Hey ___ is back in town, he wanted me to cook for him, do you mind?” and see what he says.  

just moved to a new city and don’t know anyone. hanging out with coworkers isn’t an option since they are older with families. I feel lonely and it’s making me miss home even more. any tips to get out there and make friends? do I need to go and make friends.with people at the book store :) though I do run the risk of them thinking I’m hitting on them lol

Dru- Haha, I’ve had plenty of people approach me in bookstores to strike up a conversation, but usually I just want to read or study or whatnot, so maybe it’s not the best place to do so. It’s tough to establish a connection within the span of a small conversation at a bookstore.

I’d say if you like music, go to concerts, meet people there during breaks between sets. Join whatever clubs or organizations there are around the area. In Houston, there’s the Houston Chowhounds, which meets up to check out new restaurants. There are career professionals organizations. On the radio they advertise Events and Adventures where single people meet up to do activities. What are your hobbies? Interests? Focus on that and you should be able to meet like-minded people. Volunteering is always good too.

It’s hard work and pretty tiring trying to make new friends (following up, initiating meals, hanging out), and a little frustrating when you don’t get a connection with a lot of the people a lot of the time. But you’ve got nothing else to lose, right? So best of luck to you!

Steph: 

http://www.askphivy.com/post/20476812136/so-i-get-social-anxiety-whenever-i-have-to-meet-new

http://www.askphivy.com/post/16411510860/tramanh-and-steph-halp-i-just-graduated-college-and

http://www.askphivy.com/post/9042722510/how-can-i-make-friends-im-a-quiet-person-who

http://www.askphivy.com/post/12250454535/hi-ladies-i-am-in-my-mid-20s-and-just-recently-moved

so my group of friends are all suddenly on this fitness hype. they plan things fitness related and exclude me which is fine and understandable. so one of them invited me into a chatroom to ask if i wanted lunch. i responded and someone says to me to get out of the chat with a “jk.” then later on i responded to clarify something they were trying to figure out and someone else tells me “shh.” i’m getting annoyed at the fact that theyre being so rude! what would you do/say?

Dru- Ah, being left out kinda sucks, so if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. If workin’ out isn’t on the list of things you want to accomplish for now, you can just send them pictures of fried chicken and mac and cheese in retaliation and if they reply, be all, “shhhh”. Just kiddin’, I dunno, I wouldn’t let it bother me. Just hit “x” and close that little chat window and continue doin’ what you do.

Steph: You can be upfront with them, especially if you find their actions and attitude rude or unacceptable.  I would just be like, “Look guys, I’m totally supportive of your fitness and health movement - I think it’s great and I’m so proud of you - but I feel like you guys have become more exclusive and have ostracized me out of the group because I’m not participating.”  Let them know you will support and try not to sabotage them but that you still are their friend and they should treat you as such.

Girls love bonding over things, ESPECIALLY if it’s exclusive things…this is pretty much a phase that they feel only THEY can talk about, they’re going to love it when other people “just don’t get it.”  Don’t feel bad, this week it’s fitness, next week it’ll be a book, the following week it’ll be a diet.  

how do you stay civil with people you no longer consider friends (when situations arise for you to keep seeing them)? we were once friends years ago and recently have had more opportunities to run into them. I’m polite but have no desire to hang out and it’s awkward when everyone else says yes but me. I’m really that uncomfortable around them so I would just like to avoid the situation altogether in a polite way (without confrontation if possible). it’s because I’ve changed and they haven’t

Steph: When I see my old group of friends, I’m always really pleasant towards them, hugs, kisses, “you look great,” “how have you been?” etc.  But after exchanging pleasantries, I usually stick with my current group of friends or a few of our mutual friends.  I don’t necessarily FORCE myself to hang out with them, I find my own thing there.

Usually if you feel it’s uncomfortable, they can sense it and instead of being creepers and lurking around hanging around on the outskirts of their group, I hang out with the people that I know I’ll have a good time with. If you want to avoid those situations altogether, you can always say you have plans or you can initiate the next outing and choose who you invite.

Try not to be uncomfortable, consider them more acquaintances than ex-friends.

Dru- I hear ya. But we’re all mature adults, so I think you’re doing fine- be polite, you don’t need to be fake. In a group setting, you can hang out with anyone you like, so you don’t need to interact with them at all. Still acknowledge them being there, but you don’t need to become the best of friends with them. And like Stephanie said, if you want to avoid situations, you can always decline the invite. Sure this may leave you out of some get-togethers with the friends you like, but it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it to not to be around your former friends. Either way is okay.

dru, have you thought of doing a meet up in Houston?

Dru- Not really- I didn’t think there’d be much interest in chatting with a rarely-updating blogger. I imagine myself sitting at a booth like this.

Are there a lot of Houston readers outside of my friends reading this? Maybe if Stephanie or Tramanh were in town, or if you guys wanted to be friendings with Issa and me or something we could have a blogger meetup?

Coincidentally, Tu is coming into town this month, so maybe we could all go out for drinks or something. Are you a dude? Because we could be all, “psssh, women, amirite?” Until something like this happens.

I have a friend who’s really nosy, she often asked me questions about people that i know. I always reply with, ” i don’t know anything about them.” it’s kinda getting on my nerve that she always ask questions about other people, even some that i hardly know. Also, she always makes fun of people as well. how can i set her straight?

Dru- Well, you’re good for not gossiping, because if she gossips with you, she probably gossips about you. And if she also makes fun of other people through gossip, she’s just kind of mean then. Just don’t give her any ammo to work with and she’ll most likely give up asking about others.

If she tells you gossip about someone and makes fun of them, play devil’s advocate and maybe make her mean intentions less mean and side with the other person so she won’t have someone to enjoy the laugh with.

You can also take the forward route and be like, “meh, I don’t really care too much about gossiping about other people’s lives” and that disinterest should get her to back off. As the old saying goes, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.”

Steph: I assume she’s asking information as in gossip, not like “How’s Brooke doing?  I haven’t talked to her in a long time!”  I often ask how people are through my friends because they’re acquaintances and I’m genuinely curious to know how they’re doing. If your friend is asking for juicy gossip and not their well-being, your answer of, “I don’t really know,” should make her stop.  I mean, there’s nothing else to add onto that after you tell her that.

If she makes fun of people and you can’t stand it, stop her in her tracks and say, “Yeah I can see how you think it’s funny but I actually feel bad for Brooke, I like her.”  Once you choose your alliance, your friend should stop.  

Some people talk about people because they have nothing interesting going on with themselves.  Provoke her to talk about what’s going on with her.  You can say, “Yeah, I don’t really want to talk about that, how are things with you? Work busy?  Going on any trips?” and focus the conversation around her.

If you had a gut feeling that someone posted about you thru a status, blog, etc., would you confront the situation or leave it alone? If you confront the situation, how would you go about approaching it?

Steph: I would first have to make sure that the comment is indeed about me or if I’m just being paranoid that I may have said/done something to offend the person.  I would probably do that through a mutual friend - a quick message to the friend, “Hey did you see ____’s post?  Do you know what that’s about?” and if she doesn’t offer any information (or confirms your suspicion that it is about you), AND the person who wrote the original post/status is a close friend or someone I want to make amends with, then yes, I would talk to that person.

But look at how many conditions there are!  If it was someone that I was familiar with or who was an acquaintance, I probably wouldn’t bother.  If it’s someone I’m close to, then I would just message or text that person, “Hey saw you were having a bad day on your blog/FB status…what’s going on?” and see what she says.  Who knows, by the time you actually talk to her, she’ll probably be over it and say it was nothing and she was just being moody.  If she IS able to say that she’s upset over you or your actions, the best thing to do is own up to it and talk to her about it.

Dru- Man, I hate when I see vague posts that are like, “Ugh SOME people don’t bother keeping in touch or put in the effort…” and then I’m like, is it me? I haven’t texted them in a while!

But in reality, it usually isn’t. Unless it’s a close friend, I usually don’t assume it’s me unless I had interacted with them recently enough where it might be about me. If that’s the case, I would drop them a message asking about it without being confrontational (not like, “betch, y u hatin’ on meeh?!?!”). More like, “hey, I noticed your latest status update? Was this in reference to something I did?”

If it’s a good friend, I would just text them/call them and ask directly. Otherwise, it’s not worth the effort to figure out if a friend of a friend is writing about you. Unless, it’s a guy/girl you like. Then you find out through mutual friends hurr hurr hurrrr

i think my friend is planning to ask me to be her maid of honor but my wedding is next year as well so i’m not sure if i’m able to juggle that. how do i say no without offending her? i’m not even that close to her. My fiance is bestbud with hers, so i think they just want to pair us up.

Steph: I would be honest with her when she asks and let her know that you are completely honored to be asked to be her MOH, but you worry that you can’t be there for her the way a real MOH should be.  You want her to have a seamless time planning her wedding and especially for things to go smoothly on her wedding day, and you fear that you would be preoccupied with your own wedding that she might feel like you’re not fulfilling your MOH duties.

Tell her you would love to be a part of her wedding, maybe at a bridesmaid level or even with a co-MOH.  That way, you can still be there for her, but you won’t feel like you have to bear the grunt of the work when you simply don’t have the capacity to.

And let her know that you still hope that your fiance is her fiance’s best man, and you don’t mind walking down the aisle with another groomsmen.  I’m actually separating a couple (Ryan’s best friend is his best man.  The best man’s wife is a bridesmaid because my sisters are my Maid & Matron of Honor).  The wife completely understood walking down with someone else.  It’s not like they won’t have their picture taken with us and it’s not like we’re going to separate them during dinner.  They’ll just be walking down an aisle for 30 seconds with someone else.

Hi Tramanh, was it odd renting room to your friends? I’m renting a room to a co-worker and it’s first time I am rooming with someone. Did you set some ground rules? Any advice on how to approach subjects like bills and using of common areas?

Tramanh: No, it wasn’t odd. I actually kind of miss having roommates. It’s nice to always have someone to talk to or have a glass of wine with. As far as rules, I would just be courteous but also realistic. Neither you nor they are mind readers, so if you want something done or not done a particular way, don’t be afraid to let them know. They won’t know unless you let them know. Set a specific day when rent is due; direct deposit makes it super easy to always pay on time. For us, we were all pretty relaxed about stuff and never really had problems. Everyone’s food was everyone’s food, no one had to ask. If you make a mess, clean it up.

I think it’s also good to be aware that you can’t expect one another to be in “friend mode” ALL time. Like HAW HAW FUN AND CHATTY. I know for me personally, sometimes I just want to watch TV in silence and not talk to anyone. Nothing against the roomies/friends, I just need to quiet time.

Suddenly all of my friends are engaged and people somehow turned to me and asked if i feel pressured and when it’s my turn. Out of all of them i have been with my bf the longest and they thought we would be engaged right now. it’s kinda bother me when people ask me that, they make me feel like i’m some type of loser. i have been getting a lot of questions like, ” i thought it would be you, can’t believe so and so go first.”how should i respond?

Steph: Yeah I think it’s natural once you hit a certain age and all of your surrounding friends start getting engaged, married, and having kids, your friends will automatically go “When are you two planning on getting married?  What about you?  How long do you think it’ll take for your bf to propose?”  And it’s kind of natural that your friends and family want to share the happiness that they’re feeling with you.  

What they don’t know (or care to think about) is how bad it makes you feel because you feel like now you SHOULD be doing that when in fact, it really wasn’t an issue before.

I would just tell them that you and your bf are happy the way things are and you’ve talked about the long-term, but you want to keep the proposal a surprise and your boyfriend’s in charge of that.  I used to tell people that they’re asking the wrong person in the couple - I have no control over when Ryan was going to propose - so hound him about it.  I was being facetious of course, but at the same time, it lightened the pressure from me.  Just tell them that you two are on your way, but you don’t know the exact date since it’s a surprise.  Keep it vague and then change the subject.

Dru- If they ask you, “When are you going to finally get married?”, you could also just laugh it off and say, “I didn’t realize this was a race to get married. We’ve been just enjoying the scenery the whole time.” And then turn the tables on them and ask them, “When are you going to f- yourself?” (just kidding)

Because what happens after marriage? A race to buy a house? A race to have kids? What if you have kids before the house? Don’t take it too personally, these sorts of questions will be asked after you’re married too, without the intent to make you feel bad. Here, I will plot out questions that people will ask everyone throughout life:

• Single? When are you going to settle down and find someone?
• In a relationship? When are you going to get married?
• Married? When are you going to get a house?
• Have a house? When are you going to have kids?
• Have kids? When are you going to die?

Ok, maybe not the last one. But your life is pretty much over after you have kids, amiright or amiright? Thankyoo thankyoo, I’ll be here all week, folks.

Ive been feeling unsatisfied with my relationships with family/friends and my inability to make new friends. I just realized that the cause is, I don’t really let anybody in, family and close friends included. I guess I feel nobody really cares too much, so i often feel i have nothing to say. Any tips on how to open up?

Dru- Being protective/forming that shell? That sounds like me once (and, to a much lesser extent, now). People come and go so often in life it’s sometimes tough to share a lot of yourself and then they disappear. While I sometimes seem very open-book/share-everything, I do keep some things very private for that very reason (possibly a hiding-in-plain-sight kind of thing).

But here’s the thing- people do care. I blab a lot and sometimes I feel like no one hears me/reads what I write, but I’m always surprised when I write some pithy comment and someone in my life brings it up. And you can’t have a relationship with anyone if you don’t share your life with them- it’s a two way street.

If I share a billion things about my life with you and you listen but don’t tell me anything about your little daily nuances and whatnot, you know what? I’m going to notice. And I’m going to be a little hurt that while I’m being open with you, you’re not doing the same. Don’t be that person.

So that’s the thing. The saying is cliche- that you get what you give- but it’s true. I try to be more open with the important people in my life and it doesn’t matter how stupid I know I sound- they’ll respond or laugh or whatever because they care. You ever meet someone new and they’ll share something personal with you and you think, wow, so we’re like that? That’s cool, isn’t it? It makes you a little more willing to share more about yourself.

So being a little guarded, I can only advise that you just start by having conversations with people. Be as curious as possible about the people around you- you’ll find they’ll often tell you anecdotes or whatnot about their lives. Remember those and follow up on it. Share a related story of yourself too. Make it so that they can’t forget you. Be genuinely interested in others. People do care. You won’t instantly have a connection with everyone, but if you work on it and be that person that people won’t forget, I think you’ll find a more rewarding relationship out of it. You’re still going to find people drift in and out of your life, you will get hurt- that’s just life- but if you open yourself up to others, they’ll open themselves up to you.

My bf and I pretty much just hang out with each other or family. We don’t have a big group of friends but he recently expressed that he wanted to start hanging out without me, making new friends and being more social and asked if it’s ok to pursue friendships with other girls. He’s never given me reason to doubt him so should I let him do what he wants. I didn’t make a big deal out of it but it kind of hurt my feelings that he doesn’t want to include me. What do you think? Get over it?

Dru- That’s weird, I first read the question as him wanting to pursue friendships with only girls, which I’m assuming isn’t the case. I don’t know why you guys couldn’t make friends together? I don’t think he wants to meet girls to date them from what you’ve said, but I do think you should bring it up and ask him what the difference would be if you were and weren’t there with him.

My thought is that he wants a separate group that might not know you so they can be like, someone he can bounce ideas off of or get a different perspective when you guys may not see eye to eye. Maybe he wants to freshen up the relationship by incorporating new people. If it hurt your feelings, obviously don’t come off as needy, but bring it up if there was a reason why you guys couldn’t meet new people together or why there was an emphasis on excluding you. My guess is that his reasoning is benign, but it’s always good to know anyway and have it out in the open. I don’t see a problem with meeting people independently while in a relationship, just as long as they aren’t like forever secret friends that you never mention to the significant other.

Steph: It’s one thing to branch out and feel that sense of independence, but to DRU’s point, it’s another to be forever-secret friends whom you’ll never meet.  My guess is that his intention isn’t to go out and have a good time without you, but instead, feel like he hasn’t melded into one homogeneous person.  He may just need to be like, “Ok, I’m going to go out with coworkers and their friends alone tonight,” to see how it is and to see if HE can do it.  It’s not a knock on you, your personality, or your ability to make friends, it’s just something HE would like to do on his own.

You can definitely still talk to him and be like, “Well, I make a pretty good first impression, seems weird that you would purposely go hunting for friends without me.” but then follow up with, “Well when you do make new friends, I’d love to have them over one night,” and keep it at that.  Try not to take it personally and let him have some growing space.

I willing slept with my dorm mates boyfriend on several occasions. After awhile though, I began to felt guilty so i told her about it a couple days ago. I guess when she confronted her boyfriend about it, he denied everything and said I made the whole thing up! And the worst part is, she believed him because I didnt have any “proof” since I deleted all the text messages he and I exchanged. What gives? I am now known around our dorm hall as the psycho roommate like in that one movie. How can Prove I am not lying. Any way to get text messages back? Should I upfront confront the guy? I just want to have some integrity in my dorm room. I’d rather be known as the “home wrecker” than crazy and obsessed.

Steph: Self-preservation is a crazy, crazy thing.  We believe what we want to believe…and you know what?  WE BELIEVE IT.  As much as our HEADS may be like, “Why would this girl say that she slept with my bf if she didn’t?” Our hearts say, “There’s no way my bf could do that to me, this must be one crazy ass bitch!”  

As we’ve talked about in our previous answers about cheating boyfriends…what is easier?  Blaming this “crazy” person for being crazy or having the realization that your bf, the man who you trust, love, and adore, would betray you in such a way?  Umm…I’ll take Door #1 please.

If she doesn’t believe you, then she doesn’t believe you.  You’re not going to Monica Lewinsky it by pulling out a dress are you?  You told her what happened, if she chooses to believe her lying boyfriend, she’ll eventually see his true colors.  There’s really nothing you can do to make yourself look less “crazy,” and the more you try, the “crazier” you look.

Just like how I can’t defend myself on the internet…the more I defend myself, the more defensive I sound.  It’s a paradox.

Instead, you did your part: you let her know, you told her what happened, that you’re sorry you willingly did something you knew was a terrible thing, and that it’s up to her with what she’s going to do with that information.  You can’t really expect her to break up with him…it’s her decision alone.  

Can guys and girls just be friends? What are your thoughts on this?

Dru- Yup. I’m friends with girls I’m not attracted to. It’s like hanging out with a sister. And not that weird hot step-sister kind. Bonus is you get to see insight from another perspective so you can gradually form an opinion on everything.

Steph: I hope so because most of my close friends are guys.  And I’d like to think we have we have strictly platonic relationships.  They’re attractive, nice, smart, driven men.  I know women are going to find them attractive and I appreciate what they have to offer…I think I can appreciate it without wanting to jump their bones.

But I wouldn’t call them my “brothers,” NO ONE likes to be called that.