My boyfriend has this group of friends that I’m not totally fond with.i’m having a bday party for him and he wanted to invite them. we spent some time arguing about it because he said its rude not to because he invited one person from the group he has to invite them all. i dont like that many people or that group of ppl at my house. what should i do? he said im being rude.

Steph: To be fair - that IS kind of rude.  How would you feel if they invited your bf but not you?  Or if you had a circle of friends and your friend’s bf invited a select few but not you?  Wouldn’t you feel slighted?  Wouldn’t you feel like you KNEW they didn’t like you, but this only solidifies it?

To be courteous, I would invite them, but set expectations as to what kind of party it is.  Maybe it’s just a nice dinner and cocktail party versus a rager.  Let them know you’d like to keep it simple and low-key.  If there’s a dresscode, let them know in advance too.  Maybe they’ll find the “rules” too stringent and won’t want to go…and maybe you can cross your fingers for that.  But ultimately, you should invite them as a formality and out of courtesy.

Dru- Well, it is his birthday, after all, so I’d have to go with him on this one who he wants to be there. And obviously his friends would make an issue as to why some of them were invited and some weren’t for something as important as a birthday party. I’ve had friends whose girlfriends didn’t like the group of us guys for whatever reason and only invited some of us and it kind of became an issue. And as much as you don’t like his friends, they’re still his friends and part of his life. Like Stephanie said, there can be compromises, like say wine is fine but no liquor, or that he’d be responsible for say a friend drinking too much, but since it’s his birthday, I’d say you’d have to grin and bear it for the time. On your birthday, you can choose your friends.

I have an old group of friends that I realized I was holding on to for old times sake. The last time I hung out with them I realized that this group was mean. Really Mean. I find I’ve changed since we were once friends and cannot be the same person I once was to them (a quiet in the corner wallflower). I’m having difficulties letting go because of the history we have. I don’t want things to end on bad terms (which is possible since they seem to love drama). What would you guys do?

Steph: It’s completely natural to grow apart from friends: we definitely all change, evolve, our priorities start to be different, and we just end up being very different people.  There isn’t anything wrong with that…you shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to spend as much time with your friends as you once did, especially if you are not enjoying your time with them.  

You can look back fondly on your memories and reminisce about the good times, but don’t feel like it’s an obligation to continue to be their BFFs.  To avoid making a scene or giving fuel to the drama fire, I would slowly fade away into the background (e.g. “Sorry I can’t make it tonight, I have to work late.” “Sorry, I have yoga tonight,” “I already made plans, maybe next time?”) and leave it at that.  You don’t need to give them a reason or explain yourself, especially if your reasoning is that they’re mean.  They definitely won’t take kindly to that.

Don’t feel guilty, move on, and if they ask, and you feel compelled to give them a reason, just let them know that things kind of changed on your side and so it’s a lot to kind of transition to.  

this guy i’m seeing mainly has female friends and it sort of bugs me. i’ve never been in a situation where the guy only has female friends he is close to. i think it bugs me because i wonder why he has not tried anything on a romantic level with some of them who i think is a good catch. ahhh, is it just my own insecurities?

Dru- Hah, I have a lot of good female friends. It’s weird, because some of my friends are pretty, but I’m not attracted at all. I’m like, we get along, and I should be attracted, but I’m not? Chemistry is weird that way. Nothing wrong with them and they’re a total catch, just not a catch for me, ya dig? It’s like his friends are chocolate cake and you like chocolate so you assume he does too, but maybe you’re carrot cake and he likes carrot cake more (note to self: do not write responses while hungry).

I don’t think it’s a big deal- it’s really just your own insecurities playing at that point. Do you want to date your guy friends? When a girl has mostly guy friends, I don’t think she just wants to date all of them. Maybe guys are just more fun to hang out with (we actually are, I mean, who else is going to bet someone to eat a ball of wasabi?). I don’t really care who a girl hangs out with- she could hang around 6-pack rocket science millionaire model guys who are hilarious all the live long day, but at the end of the day, she’s with me, right? And I’m pretty badass in my own way. That’s how you should be thinking. Like the saying goes, be the person your dog thinks you are. Except in place of dog, put your significant other’s name, and quit worrying about who he could have been dating and get to know his friends better.

Steph: Yeah it’s kind of easy to be like, “Wow, Jessica is so amazing and they’re so close - I wonder if they ever thought about dating?  Why aren’t they dating?  What about Mary?  What about Linda?”  And your brain goes into a downward spiral of how he could be dating all these other girls.  I get it.  But you know what?  It doesn’t matter if he COULD be dating anyone else - he’s not, he’s dating you.  And for you to waste time, energy, emotion, and patience on “what could have been” doesn’t really seem valuable at all.  You should focus that attention on you, your boyfriend and relationship, not on friends that don’t deserve THAT much energy.

Just be happy you found a boyfriend that knows how to get along with other girls, who appreciate what they have to offer, but most importantly, who chooses to be with you.  Don’t sell yourself short - there are plenty of reasons why you and him make a much better couple than he would with anyone else.

I think I saw your friend May, and then I felt all stalkery. Like I recognized someone I dont know through someone I dont know. She’s really pretty!

Tramanh: Beautiful, beautiful May! She says thank you. =)

I have a feeling my friend is going to ask me to be her bridesmaid and i’m dreading it because she’s lazy and not very good with communication. She doesn’t let people know what she wants or needs and often time don’t pick up her phone or reply to texts. I’m afraid i’ll be doing all the work if she asked me to be her bridesmaid.what’s the best way to back out without being a bad person?

Dru- Well, isn’t the maid of honor responsible for planning duties (primarily bachelorette)? The rest of the bridesmaids just pitch in to help out with wedding tasks if asked? Perhaps I’m wrong, but at the end of the day, it’s the bride’s responsibility to let people know what she wants for her wedding day, not yours, so if she’s not good with communication, you don’t need to do all the work. So that may take some of the pressure off being a bridesmaid. Maybe you can say that you can’t afford to be a bridesmaid, because, honestly, it can be expensive to be one.

Steph: I think being a bride may surprise you, a lot of people change (hello, the term bridezilla comes to mind) when it comes to their wedding.  I don’t know, maybe it’s the immense pressure of THE BIG DAY or the mandate of having it a “perfect” day, but you’ll find that a lot of people who may not have been really organized suddenly find the ability and desire to do so.

Coming from a future bride, you should want to be a bridesmaid to have the honor to stand up with your friend as she embarks on a brand new journey.  Yes, sometimes you two will butt heads and she may rely on you to do things for her, but I feel like that’s part of the job of being able to stand up next to the bride and groom.  I don’t know, I guess I would hate if any/all of my bridesmaids were like, “OH GOD NO WHY?” but then politely said yes.

DRU is right in the sense that a lot of the planning (e.g. bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc.) are what the MOH usually takes care of.  When it comes to the wedding itself, the bride will have so many people to help her, that I doubt it’ll all fall on your shoulders.  If anything, her groom should be worried if she doesn’t really plan things because she’ll probably look to him to do a lot of it.

If you don’t want to be in her wedding because you think it’s going to be a disaster, then politely decline (or say you can’t afford it), but then again, this only really happens once (or twice?) so just think about your reasoning before doing so.

hi dru: what do you think of friends setting up other friends? nice or meddling?

Dru- I think that’s nice if they’re open to it. Who doesn’t like an assist every now and again? But they’d at least have to factor in personality and physical attraction- you don’t want to slap two people together without considering personality and physical attraction just on the basis of sharing the same relationship status.

Speaking of which, I also feel bad about those programs where they try to mate animals together, like getting a super old, endangered rhino dude to mate with a rhino gal. What if he’s not even what she looks for in a mate, aside from being horny? That’s like if aliens abducted us and they tried to make me mate with like, 50 year old big russian woman because that’s the only woman they could rustle up. This is how I feel sometimes when some of my friends try to hook me up with their friends. Wait, wait, I didn’t mean it like that. Great, just shoot me now.

My boyfriend has been going to his GIRL neighbors house a lot recently and is constantly texting her. Should i be worried?

Dru- If he’s not inviting you and not being open about it, then yeah. But you should know him well enough to figure out if it’s just the excitement of making a new friend vs something more.

As the guy, I’d think it would be really inappropriate to be hanging out with a new girl that much without my girlfriend being there.

If this were a sitcom, he’s probably over there trying to plan this amazing party for you and keeping it secret and you’re going to burst in and ruin the surprise and feel terrible.

I’m not a shy person but more of an extrovert and never really say much because fear of hurting others. how do i become more brave in voicing my opinion without fearing that i’m hurting others? I always hold it in and sometimes it leads to anger.

Dru- Ah, the introverted extrovert. Or vice versa. Obviously you don’t want to bottle up resentment because you never know when it’ll burst out unexpectedly. A lot of expressing opinions comes from delivery. Some people throw out their opinion and it comes out like a harsh criticism that sets people bristling. Usually you can voice an opinion in a joking or light-hearted way as a fail safe, so that your opinion is out there, but you’re not dead serious and killing the mood.

I will sometimes (or perhaps my friends would say I do it too often) put out my opinion tempered by checking to see if other people are okay with it, because usually it’s a situation where I’m okay with something happening either way, I just like to put options on the table.

I’d suggest you just start voicing your opinions. If someone feels hurt, you can always apologize, and if they’re good enough friends, they’ll understand you didn’t mean it that way.

Should I tell my bf that my friend has been acting weird toward me? my buddy who has been out of the country for sometime often come back and visit me and asked me to cook for him because he misses my cooking. I feel if some girl was saying these things to my bf i would want to know. how should i phrase it so it doesn’t sound too weird.

Dru- Well, first make sure you feel like he’s… coming on to you? Sometimes people just miss the comforts of home when they’ve been gone for a while, and maybe you make a mean spaghetti dish and it’s a comforting feeling of nostalgia for him, like, “Man, I miss the days when we could all just hang out like this again.”

If you feel it’s a little inappropriate, you can mention it to your bf or else you can just turn down his request for you to cook for him and let it die at that. OR you could just invite him to dinner at your place and you could cook for him and your bf. Not a big deal.

Otherwise, if you want to bring it up with your bf, how about asking your bf if he thinks it’s inappropriate first? Just be like, “hey, X just came back into town and he asked me to cook for him. Is that cool or is that weird?” And if there are other instances, bring it up and see what your bf thinks if it’s inappropriate or if it’s just a good friend catching up and missing his friends. Bring it up nonchalantly or whatnot and I think it should be fine.

Steph: Tramanh and I actually have talked about this because someone we know went through a situation similar, except instead of just kind of being like “I miss your cooking,” it was a little more explicit.

We debated whether or not we would tell our husband/fiance about it because as the girls, we would WANT to know if the same thing was happening to Tu/Ryan, but really, would we tell them because what would come out of it?  They could potentially get jealous for no reason, and really, what ACTION would we want them to take?  None.  So is it even WORTH us telling them?  Get them upset/annoyed for no reason, especially if we didn’t want them to do anything with it.  What good could come out of it?

At the end (and we actually did talk to Tu/Ryan about this separately), they agreed they would want to know.  Just to keep an eye on it and just so they’re not blind-sided.  I would do it in a casual way, like, “Hey ___ is back in town, he wanted me to cook for him, do you mind?” and see what he says.  

just moved to a new city and don’t know anyone. hanging out with coworkers isn’t an option since they are older with families. I feel lonely and it’s making me miss home even more. any tips to get out there and make friends? do I need to go and make friends.with people at the book store :) though I do run the risk of them thinking I’m hitting on them lol

Dru- Haha, I’ve had plenty of people approach me in bookstores to strike up a conversation, but usually I just want to read or study or whatnot, so maybe it’s not the best place to do so. It’s tough to establish a connection within the span of a small conversation at a bookstore.

I’d say if you like music, go to concerts, meet people there during breaks between sets. Join whatever clubs or organizations there are around the area. In Houston, there’s the Houston Chowhounds, which meets up to check out new restaurants. There are career professionals organizations. On the radio they advertise Events and Adventures where single people meet up to do activities. What are your hobbies? Interests? Focus on that and you should be able to meet like-minded people. Volunteering is always good too.

It’s hard work and pretty tiring trying to make new friends (following up, initiating meals, hanging out), and a little frustrating when you don’t get a connection with a lot of the people a lot of the time. But you’ve got nothing else to lose, right? So best of luck to you!

Steph: 

http://www.askphivy.com/post/20476812136/so-i-get-social-anxiety-whenever-i-have-to-meet-new

http://www.askphivy.com/post/16411510860/tramanh-and-steph-halp-i-just-graduated-college-and

http://www.askphivy.com/post/9042722510/how-can-i-make-friends-im-a-quiet-person-who

http://www.askphivy.com/post/12250454535/hi-ladies-i-am-in-my-mid-20s-and-just-recently-moved

so my group of friends are all suddenly on this fitness hype. they plan things fitness related and exclude me which is fine and understandable. so one of them invited me into a chatroom to ask if i wanted lunch. i responded and someone says to me to get out of the chat with a “jk.” then later on i responded to clarify something they were trying to figure out and someone else tells me “shh.” i’m getting annoyed at the fact that theyre being so rude! what would you do/say?

Dru- Ah, being left out kinda sucks, so if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. If workin’ out isn’t on the list of things you want to accomplish for now, you can just send them pictures of fried chicken and mac and cheese in retaliation and if they reply, be all, “shhhh”. Just kiddin’, I dunno, I wouldn’t let it bother me. Just hit “x” and close that little chat window and continue doin’ what you do.

Steph: You can be upfront with them, especially if you find their actions and attitude rude or unacceptable.  I would just be like, “Look guys, I’m totally supportive of your fitness and health movement - I think it’s great and I’m so proud of you - but I feel like you guys have become more exclusive and have ostracized me out of the group because I’m not participating.”  Let them know you will support and try not to sabotage them but that you still are their friend and they should treat you as such.

Girls love bonding over things, ESPECIALLY if it’s exclusive things…this is pretty much a phase that they feel only THEY can talk about, they’re going to love it when other people “just don’t get it.”  Don’t feel bad, this week it’s fitness, next week it’ll be a book, the following week it’ll be a diet.  

how do you stay civil with people you no longer consider friends (when situations arise for you to keep seeing them)? we were once friends years ago and recently have had more opportunities to run into them. I’m polite but have no desire to hang out and it’s awkward when everyone else says yes but me. I’m really that uncomfortable around them so I would just like to avoid the situation altogether in a polite way (without confrontation if possible). it’s because I’ve changed and they haven’t

Steph: When I see my old group of friends, I’m always really pleasant towards them, hugs, kisses, “you look great,” “how have you been?” etc.  But after exchanging pleasantries, I usually stick with my current group of friends or a few of our mutual friends.  I don’t necessarily FORCE myself to hang out with them, I find my own thing there.

Usually if you feel it’s uncomfortable, they can sense it and instead of being creepers and lurking around hanging around on the outskirts of their group, I hang out with the people that I know I’ll have a good time with. If you want to avoid those situations altogether, you can always say you have plans or you can initiate the next outing and choose who you invite.

Try not to be uncomfortable, consider them more acquaintances than ex-friends.

Dru- I hear ya. But we’re all mature adults, so I think you’re doing fine- be polite, you don’t need to be fake. In a group setting, you can hang out with anyone you like, so you don’t need to interact with them at all. Still acknowledge them being there, but you don’t need to become the best of friends with them. And like Stephanie said, if you want to avoid situations, you can always decline the invite. Sure this may leave you out of some get-togethers with the friends you like, but it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it to not to be around your former friends. Either way is okay.

dru, have you thought of doing a meet up in Houston?

Dru- Not really- I didn’t think there’d be much interest in chatting with a rarely-updating blogger. I imagine myself sitting at a booth like this.

Are there a lot of Houston readers outside of my friends reading this? Maybe if Stephanie or Tramanh were in town, or if you guys wanted to be friendings with Issa and me or something we could have a blogger meetup?

Coincidentally, Tu is coming into town this month, so maybe we could all go out for drinks or something. Are you a dude? Because we could be all, “psssh, women, amirite?” Until something like this happens.

I have a friend who’s really nosy, she often asked me questions about people that i know. I always reply with, ” i don’t know anything about them.” it’s kinda getting on my nerve that she always ask questions about other people, even some that i hardly know. Also, she always makes fun of people as well. how can i set her straight?

Dru- Well, you’re good for not gossiping, because if she gossips with you, she probably gossips about you. And if she also makes fun of other people through gossip, she’s just kind of mean then. Just don’t give her any ammo to work with and she’ll most likely give up asking about others.

If she tells you gossip about someone and makes fun of them, play devil’s advocate and maybe make her mean intentions less mean and side with the other person so she won’t have someone to enjoy the laugh with.

You can also take the forward route and be like, “meh, I don’t really care too much about gossiping about other people’s lives” and that disinterest should get her to back off. As the old saying goes, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.”

Steph: I assume she’s asking information as in gossip, not like “How’s Brooke doing?  I haven’t talked to her in a long time!”  I often ask how people are through my friends because they’re acquaintances and I’m genuinely curious to know how they’re doing. If your friend is asking for juicy gossip and not their well-being, your answer of, “I don’t really know,” should make her stop.  I mean, there’s nothing else to add onto that after you tell her that.

If she makes fun of people and you can’t stand it, stop her in her tracks and say, “Yeah I can see how you think it’s funny but I actually feel bad for Brooke, I like her.”  Once you choose your alliance, your friend should stop.  

Some people talk about people because they have nothing interesting going on with themselves.  Provoke her to talk about what’s going on with her.  You can say, “Yeah, I don’t really want to talk about that, how are things with you? Work busy?  Going on any trips?” and focus the conversation around her.

If you had a gut feeling that someone posted about you thru a status, blog, etc., would you confront the situation or leave it alone? If you confront the situation, how would you go about approaching it?

Steph: I would first have to make sure that the comment is indeed about me or if I’m just being paranoid that I may have said/done something to offend the person.  I would probably do that through a mutual friend - a quick message to the friend, “Hey did you see ____’s post?  Do you know what that’s about?” and if she doesn’t offer any information (or confirms your suspicion that it is about you), AND the person who wrote the original post/status is a close friend or someone I want to make amends with, then yes, I would talk to that person.

But look at how many conditions there are!  If it was someone that I was familiar with or who was an acquaintance, I probably wouldn’t bother.  If it’s someone I’m close to, then I would just message or text that person, “Hey saw you were having a bad day on your blog/FB status…what’s going on?” and see what she says.  Who knows, by the time you actually talk to her, she’ll probably be over it and say it was nothing and she was just being moody.  If she IS able to say that she’s upset over you or your actions, the best thing to do is own up to it and talk to her about it.

Dru- Man, I hate when I see vague posts that are like, “Ugh SOME people don’t bother keeping in touch or put in the effort…” and then I’m like, is it me? I haven’t texted them in a while!

But in reality, it usually isn’t. Unless it’s a close friend, I usually don’t assume it’s me unless I had interacted with them recently enough where it might be about me. If that’s the case, I would drop them a message asking about it without being confrontational (not like, “betch, y u hatin’ on meeh?!?!”). More like, “hey, I noticed your latest status update? Was this in reference to something I did?”

If it’s a good friend, I would just text them/call them and ask directly. Otherwise, it’s not worth the effort to figure out if a friend of a friend is writing about you. Unless, it’s a guy/girl you like. Then you find out through mutual friends hurr hurr hurrrr