i have a question about my widowed mother moving in with me and husband. are you guys against that and am i wrong to think it’s not that bad of idea? husband is against it, but i feel it’s wrong to leave my mother alone esp when she’s usually to herself.

Dru- I think a lot of cultures (but moreso Asian cultures), the kids take care of the parents when they get older, so it’s not unusual for parents to move in with their children, particularly when one of the parents passes away. I expect my parents to live with me or my brothers one day (my grandmother rotated between my parents’ and my aunt’s and uncle’s houses while I grew up), and I would be okay with in-laws moving in too if I’m married.

So no, I don’t think it’s a bad idea at all. I think perhaps your husband still wants a little more time to be a married couple with you before the parents/in-laws move in, because it’s a little bit of a different dynamic if a parent is there. No random sexytimes on the cold hard kitchen tile (that’s what you married people do spontaneously, right?) and whatnot. See exactly why your husband isn’t a big fan of the idea, or perhaps get his opinion on how he would feel if it were his mother who was older and widowed.

One of my friends had a smaller separate studio built on their property for their parents to move into- it has a kitchen, one bedroom, tv, and everything. I think that’s a nice compromise (but probably not feasible for a lot of people). If anything, you could compromise and (if you have siblings), she could rotate between houses like my grandmother once did (which worked out pretty great).

do you guys have any plans for mother’s day?

Steph: My mom lives in Ohio, so Christine and I collaborated on giving her a few gifts and a card.  We might visit Ryan’s mom in Palm Springs, but we’re not 100% sure.   I also sent my older sister a small gift and card.  Don’t ask me about my stepmom.

Dru- My mom wanted to postpone it until next week because we have some family obligations to attend to on both Saturday and Sunday. LilBro will probably drive into town next weekend for the occasion and we’ll go eat somewhere.

What would you say to your teenage daughter/son if they asked you if you have had premarital sex? Would you lie or tell them the truth? What if they think it’s ok to do so.

Dru- I think that would be one of those “Go ask your mom” responses. I would talk to them about premarital sex though and go over precautions because it’s better to be educated about the subject than not. I wouldn’t encourage it, but your kids will have to make an informed decision about it themselves eventually.

I’m an only child of a single mom and want to move out on my own in a different city. do you think it’s selfish of me to do this? I want to explore and try new things but I also feel the guilt and responsibility for helping her out. I just don’t want to regret not doing this when I’m young and able to.

Dru- Trying to be a dutiful son/daughter can be tiring, especially if you’re in a culture where it’s emphasized. Personally, my brothers all live in different cities, so I feel like I have the responsibility of helping out my parents at home.

But for you, I don’t think it’s selfish at all. You eventually have to spread your wings and do your own thing. I think your mom will have a little bit of empty nest syndrome, but she should understand that you need to explore and see the world yourself. Most parents have a hard time letting go (my parents I think still see me as a kid), but it has to happen eventually. You can always compromise and set up intervals to fly back home and see her, or send her money if she needs help in that respect.

You can’t live your life for your mom, but you can create a life that your mom can live through you.

My litter sister is graduating undergrad and I’m trying to think of a present to give her. I was thinking of getting her a leather portfolio to put her resumes but she already has one. I’m trying to remember items I would have wanted when I graduated but I can’t think of anything. Suggestions?

Dru- I love a nice sleek pen with heft. This is a difficult question to answer given that there’s no info on her major or her interests. You could give her something related to her field of study. If you’re looking for more generic gifts, it could be like, a wallet or a business card holder or key ring or moleskine notebook whatnot. I don’t think I really wanted anything when I graduated from undergrad or graduate school- I think I just wanted to be done with tests.

Steph: Some past ideas:

http://www.askphivy.com/post/22339436620/hiya-bf-is-graduating-law-school-in-a-few-weeks-wtf

http://www.askphivy.com/post/9811404749/ryan-my-boyfriend-is-graduating-from-grad-school-soon

Ha, those were for boys, but some of the ideas still remain the same for girls.  I really like the lithograph that Ryan got me of my school illustration so I could frame my degree and it’s not in just some faux leather binder.  Pens are always great or engraved business cards holder.  Ryan got me a Mont Blanc business card holder and I use it all the time, for both meetings, and as a small wallet for my wristlet. 

Do i have to buy my fiance’s sister in law anything for mother’s day? couple of years ago we chipped in and got her something but she never uses any of my gifts. She always store it or regift them @_@

Steph: If you feel the NEED to give her anything, a simple card (and potentially a gift card) might be the safest bet.

any mothers day gift ideas for my sisters. i was thinking the urban decay nake palette, the nars super orgasm/ orgasm blush. i dont know just any ideas that you migh have. thanks

Steph: SHOOT.  Should I get my older sister a Mother’s Day present?  I totally forgot.  I guess I know where I’m going tonight! 

Both the UD Naked Palette and Nars Orgasm/Super Orgasm blush combo are great ideas - I think both of them are easily usable when you’re in a rush and the colors are great.

I actually got my older sister Laura Mercier’s tinted moisturizer because she mentioned she wanted something to make her look decent on the run, she said she loves it and uses it all the time. :)

You could also get her a cute little bundle of Burts Bees products for mommy and baby.  But your ideas are great. 

Steph- what are you getting your mom for mother’s day? and do you buy gifts for Ryan’s mom? HALP I NEED IDEAS

Steph: Oh man, I have no idea what to get Ryan’s mom.  My sister and I got my mom a pair of earrings after she lost one of them from a previous set.  My mom actually got Ryan’s mom a few small gifts for Mother’s Day (like a clutch, PJ set, etc.)

Ryan’s mom is kind of difficult because she doesn’t like using new things (why use a new blender when this janky one works if I just jiggle it around?  why use glass tupperware when I can use the plastic ones from Jack in the Box salads?)  So it’s difficult to convince her to accept my gifts.

I stick to things that are safe: scarves, simple jewelry, a nice dinner out, a “date night” package for both parents (movie tickets, popcorn, etc.).  I also would recommend spa treatments and facials, as it’s something that most moms wouldn’t spend on themselves but would love.  If she loves fitness/working out, maybe getting her a private session with a trainer or some yoga clothes.  

Another idea moms love is hosting a photoshoot with her children and grandchildren and taking photos and framing them.

My future mil always tell me to get adapt to my fiance’s ways of life and style and it bugs me. the reason she said that because he was asking me if i want to eat dessert along with my dinner , which i refused adn think it’s weird. She then snapped at me and said you should get used to it. WTH @_@

Steph: Ah yes, MILs (almost wrote MILK, lol!) who think everyone and everything should revolve around their sons.  But as long as your fiance doesn’t feel that way, then his mom can think anything she wants.  Ryan’s mom is always like “My son is the best!  He is so amazing!  You are so lucky!” (half jokingly, but I also know she’s kind of serious), meanwhile MY mom is like, “Stephanie is my princess!  She is so beautiful and smart!  You are so lucky!”  So see, both moms are guilty of the same crime - no one can compare to their child.

Ryan and I know that we need to meet halfway, that we adapt to EACH OTHER’S lives, not that one needs to concede more than the other - that’s more important than his mom harping on you to bend over backwards for her son.  She’s thinking of it as a mother’s point of view, not as a wife’s point of view - two very different things.

If stuff like that happens often and bothers you enough, talk to your fiance and just make sure that he knows that your relationship is 50/50, regardless of what mom says.

my bf’s sister in law often tell me to tell my bf to stop smoking, drinking, etc. And i often just nodded but she always bugs me about it in a know it all tone. sometimes i want to snap back and said he’s old enough to make his own decision. i know you have said this on here before but how do i deal with out snapping at her?

Steph: If this nagging doesn’t really affect your bf, then you shouldn’t let it bother you either.  His (assuming) older sister will always nag him about something - that’s what older siblings and parents do.  I think she nags at you too because she assumes you’d get through him more than her.  And yes, it’s annoying because what makes her think he’ll listen to you too?  Plus, it’s his own body, if it doesn’t bother him and it doesn’t bother you, then why is it bothering her?  But at the end, she does have good intentions, she does want her brother to live a long and healthy life and she entrusts you enough to think that you would make a positive impact on him.

Next time she tells you to tell your bf that he needs to quit drinking and smoking, you just say, “Yeah, I’ll make sure to let him know.” and that’s it.  No need to defend your bf, no need to defend your lifestyle.  Just “Okay, sure.” and leave it at that.  You can’t really win on this one.

due to financial setback, I’ve had to move in with my parents. we never had the best relationship. now they are driving me up the wall. any tips on how to cope? and no moving out isn’t an option right this moment

Steph: On one hand, I’m sure your family is super happy that you’re back at the nest: they get to take care of you, feed you, watch over you, do everything they missed doing while you were away!  On the other, while you were away, you grew as a self-sufficient adult who can do your own things and may not need the guidance that they insist on giving you.

Since I don’t really know what the issues you’re dealing with (are they oppressing?  do they keep asking you to move out?  do they want to have you stay for the rest of your life?), I find that doing things preemptively often helps ease parents.  What I mean is instead of having them call you when you’re 2 hours late from work, you call them in advance and let them know you’re going to happy hour with your coworkers so you won’t be home for dinner.  Or if you would rather make your own food instead of eating whatever mom was cooking, you call her during your lunch break to let her know in advance of her starting to cook said dinner.

Doing these things preemptively often lets them know you still respect them as your parents (and let’s be honest, you’re living there for free so you have to abide by their rules still), but it allows you to still do what you want to do without them hounding you. 

If you write back letting me know what your issues are, I might be able to help more.

If your mil’s cooking is super salty and horrible would you tell her or will you eat it up? What if you have to eat at her house often?

Steph: NEVAR TELL HER.  Are you asking to be blacklisted?  I would eat it up that one time, but if it happened a lot and I just didn’t like her cooking I would suggest we go out to eat (my treat!), I would cook for her, or say that I’ve eaten beforehand so you don’t have to eat such large portions.

it’s not a huge deal but it’s more of the principle. so i left my compact in my bf’s home and was frantically looking for it because i need my powder. couldn’t find it so i gave up and replaced it. then i noticed it on top my bf’s mom’s dresser. isn’t it kind of weird how she kinda “stole” it? obviously it didn’t belong to her son or her husband and there are no other females in the house. again, it’s just a compact but what would you do? the bf, of course, defended his mom.

Steph: What a strange situation!  But what could have occured is that your boyfriend saw the compact and just thought it was his mom’s and put it there…I don’t think your bf’s mom actually TOOK IT from his desk and decided to keep it.  I’m sure it was your bf’s doing by not realizing it was yours; he probably thought “Oh weird, mom left her makeup in my room, probably forgot that it was in her hand when she came in,” and went into her room and “returned” it.

If your bf didn’t put it on her desk and his mom just took it, that IS weird but I wouldn’t make it a big deal and let it go.  I would probably ask my bf, “Hey did you see my compact?  I was missing it for a few days, I know I left it here, but can’t find it anymore.” and see if he actually did accidentally give it to his mom.  If he’s like, “Oh no, I haven’t seen it,” maybe his mom DID take it, but again, that’s weird but I would let it go.

A $7-$40 compact isn’t worth accusing his mother of stealing from you, trust me.  That’s a lot of implications there.  Instead, just ask your bf if he’s seen it, and if he may have accidentally thought it was his mom’s.  If he did give it to his mom, I would just say, “Oh okay, well I already bought a new one, so it’s fine.”  

stephanie, are you scared of the idea of being pregnant and giving birth later? I have heard many horror stories and it’s kinda scared me. I only have a few years left until i need to start my own family. I can’t wait to have a kid but the process sounds scary.

Steph: I’m actually MORE scared of not being able to have a children than the actual process of having a child.  My fear of being barren makes no sense, but it’s a paranoia I sometimes have.  One time I’m like “RYAN WHAT IF I CANT HAVE BABBY?” and he’s like “What?  Keep eating your spaghetti, what are you talking about?”  Haha.  

Are you scared of being pregnant or child birth?  I do hear some scary stories and close calls.  But you know what?  It’s not enough to deter me to NOT want to start my own family.  No matter how terrible it is for the 24-hours of labor, I always hear as soon as that baby is out and is in your arms, you’ve forgotten what you’ve been through.  The sense of overwhelming love, happiness, and gratitude will completely win over any physical pain that you had to go through.  Plus think of the accomplishment!  BABEH OUT OF YOU!  You did it!  You created this little miracle of baby and it’s part you and part mailman (jk) and you did it!

I have heard crazy stories, but I just think that I’ll do my best to be as calm, educated, and in shape as possible to try to make the process be as smooth as it can be.

My future in law wants to purchase a house behind theirs for my fiance and I. I know i should be grateful right? But, the house is old and rundown in a neighborhood i’m not sure i want to be in. Also, I don’t want to be making payments for something that i dont love. Also, we don’t want to owe them anything because we dont’ want them to hold it over our heads. How should we tell them thanks but no thanks?

Dru- That should be fairly easy. Obviously thank them for their generous offer, but you aren’t ready to settle down into that neighborhood. If you want to live in the city, you can say you’d like to experience life as a newly married couple closer to town so you can enjoy the younger years, it’s safer driving closer distances if you guys go out. Maybe when you’re ready to settle down, you’ll want to move out there, but no guarantees. Maybe down the line if you do want to settle down for kids, you can say school districts may not be optimal there. Most parents understand the need for their kids to have fun before having kids, so I don’t think they’ll be too offended if you turn down their offer.

Steph: Let them know you’d love to take them up on the offer but unfortunately you want the flexibility of living elsewhere (like DRU said, maybe in the city) and you don’t think having the responsibility of a house is what you need right now.  Let them know that when you guys are in the market for a house, you will definitely consult them, but right now you’re okay with renting for the flexibility and ease.