ASK PHIVY

Hey tramanh, I think the problem with your feet is due to the fact you might be wearing tight narrowed shoes thats why the bunion has occurred. I wore ballet flats to work and suddenly I had sore bunions and they slowly popped out. Then I decided not to wear those shoes again and they had reduced itself and don't pop out anymore!

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 09:27:54 -0700

Tramanh: YEAH, MAN. That’s partly the reason why I don’t wear ballet flats. I find the sort of painful to wear for long periods of time. Although pointy-toed shoes feel better to me for some reason. Maybe I have trained my bunions to rest in a pointy stiletto shape. =(

tram, are all gunners usually in the top of their class. what are the seekrets to doing really well in law school?

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 09:05:26 -0700

Tramanh: No, they rarely end up being at the top of the class, at least in my experience. The top 5% always ends up being the nice, unassuming people. Except me. LOL. SADFACE.

I’d say the gunners are still towards the top. Maybe top 30-40%. I’m just guessing. Anyone else have any anecdotal evidence?

tramanh - i should clarify, either i haven't seen them or you haven't posted outfit pics that reveal your tattoo since that original tattoo pic.

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 08:32:39 -0700

Tramanh: I don’t often wear crop tops I guess? It wasn’t meant to be seen on the regular lol. You can kind of see it in this video. http://www.phi-style.com/?p=2255

Tramanh - How do you deal with pet hairs in your new place? I live in a 2 bed apartment and have 2 cats but their shedding is driving me insane!

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 08:16:01 -0700

Tramanh: Pet hair — Live it. Love it. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to have your apartment be pet hair free if you have shedding animals touching everything all the time. Even if they’re not touching everything, pet hair finds it way EVERYWHERE. Like on top of bookcases and countertops.

How do we deal? I have to give Husband all the credit because he sweeps up a lot. We use one of those flat floor cleaner things w/ the washable cloth covering and then he uses our handheld dyson to pick everything up. The couch is a lost cause. Everyone who sits on it will have Pepper’s hair all over them. Just always have lint rollers readily available in every room.

Hi tramanh. My fiancé and I are just starting out in the real world from grad school and we want to have a healthy relationship with our finances. You and tu seem to have it all put together. Can you give a general breakdown (like percentages) of how much of your paychecks go towards savings, morgage, retirement, spending money, bills, etc? I know every situation is different but it would be a really helpful starting point for us. Thanks!

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 07:48:38 -0700

Tramanh: Hmmm…it’s hard to say because Husband’s percentages would be different from my percentages. Also, I don’t know how much I’m contributing to my 401K. Admittedly, I have no idea what’s going on with that. I just know it comes out of my paycheck and into a magical bank account that will be for my using when I’m 65…..right??? Husband’s supposed to teach me about my 401K, but of course that has not happened. I contribute about an additional 5% to a Roth IRA as well.

Everything’s a little skewed because we still own a house in Houston (that we’re leasing out), but we are still paying for the property taxes ourselves. We are paying rent in Seattle right now. Would all of that be grouped together? If it is, I guess my percentage is like 25%?

I’m also paying about 25% towards my law school loans (stupids), which not everyone has either. 10% to transportation (gas guzzling SUV). 5% to “extra” savings. Remaining 30% I guess goes to everything else - bills, expenses, spending, fun.

This is helpful: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_percent_of_your_paycheck_should_go_to_monthly_bills

hi tramanh. do you like Seattle? I'm considering moving there but worried about the lack of sun and the Seattle freeze. I'm used to sun year long and don't want to get all depressed up there with no sun. how's it been? I don't know anyone up there and worried about meeting people since I'll be working at a small company

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 07:06:00 -0700

Tramanh: I love Seattle! I haven’t experienced any type of “Seattle Freeze” at all; everyone we’ve met has been really fun, funny, and friendly. I hear the “Freeze” only truly applies to Seattle locals? But Seattle is such a young, transient-heavy city that most of the people we’ve met are not originally from Seattle — so maybe that’s why? I’m just speculating. Of say the 20 people we’ve met, maybe only 3 people were born and raised in Seattle. Everyone else has been from CA, TX, OH, NJ. A lot of people are from Bay Area.

As far as weather, it really hasn’t bothered me at all. Yeah, it sucks in the winter when the sun goes down at like 4:30, but it’s not unbearable. When the sun’s out, it’s REALLY beautiful. Also, I just came back from Houston this past weekend and both Husband and I confirmed that we will take the dreary cold over the hot humidity, hands down.

If the only thing holding you back is the weather, don’t let that stop you. It’s not nearly as bad as people make it out to be.

dru, can you answer the question about the no pre martial sex question a few days ago? it would good to hear from a guy? find that it makes dating so hard. would a guy really last haha

Thu, 31 May 2012 12:27:00 -0700

Dru- I’m just going to answer the question assuming you mean physical intimacy to simplify the question. I think it’s possible. If I were dating a girl that was, “NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE”, I’d respect her beliefs if I saw something long term with her, so it’s fine. Like Stephanie said, there are plenty of alternatives to actually doing the deed itself, so if you can compromise with him on that and do those instead, it’d be alright. Guys I think tend to be more physical, so we need something to work with in the meantime.

I think most guys would be okay with it if they see you as someone they’d want to settle down with. If they were just only interested in casually dating, then that might be a deal breaker. Also, if you guys do absolutely nothing, and he proposes pretty quick, just make sure it’s not because he’s blue balling. Just sayin’, because it does happen.

dru - how can i make my wedding photographer feel comfortable/welcomed at the wedding??

Thu, 31 May 2012 11:17:01 -0700

Dru- For me, it’s simply a matter of talking to them like a friend you hadn’t seen in forever and are introducing them to the family. Introduce them to the parents like you would any of your friends for the first time. Make small talk with them or joke with them during the portrait session after the ceremony when they aren’t trying to pose your family/bridal party. Refer to them by first name- like, “Hey, Dru, can we grab a quick shot with my folks?” People like hearing their names. The more you interact and joke with the photographer, the more relaxed they will be.

Some photographers, however, are more strictly business. The photographers I work with, and myself, will usually joke around with the bride and groom because, hey, we want our subjects to be relaxed. It’s not that you have to spend all your time talking to the photographer (you’re obviously busy), but since they are going to be around you all day, it’s nice to acknowledge them.

Oh, and make sure you feed them. That’s always a plus. I usually stick around longer shooting the reception if my clients are nice haha.

i received a wedding invite via snail mail, is it rude to ask if i get a +1? or would they have put that on the envelope i.e. "(my name) & guest" & then my mailing address? it makes for awkward situation. it's also out of town & i'm not sure if i'll know that many people at the wedding.

Thu, 31 May 2012 10:46:08 -0700

Dru- I don’t think it’s that big a deal if you ask. They’re your friend, right? I’d just text them/call them and be like, “Hey, I just got your wedding invite! Is it okay if I bring a plus one to keep me company? I didn’t know if we were allowed to bring a date or not. If not, that’s cool either way! Can’t wait!” Just keep it nonchalant and upbeat- I don’t care if my friends don’t let me bring a date or not, but it doesn’t hurt to ask either. Usually if you can bring a date, the card will say something like, “Attending” and “Number of guests” or something, but that’s not always the case.

how long before you guys scored a "real" job after graduating from college?

Thu, 31 May 2012 09:59:06 -0700

Dru- I’m gonna lay it all out so you recent graduates don’t feel bad about yourselves here with this job market IN THESE ECONOMIC TIMES. 2002, I just graduated UT Austin with a Bio Pre-med degree and I knew I didn’t want to become a doctor so I didn’t really have any options with my degree. I had no idea what to do at that point but felt like I should take the summer off to just relax before hitting the working world.

Summer ends, I begin applying for jobs in the Houston medical center- for any job available that would be entry level and could make use of my bio degree. I hand out my resume like fliers and don’t hear anything back. I get a job working as a server at Pappadeaux (a seafood restaurant) to tide me over until I find anything. In September, apparently, my resume has been processed into the system and I slowly start receiving calls. I choose one for lab technician/research assistant at Baylor College of Medicine.

I meet the researcher, he tells me, “Well, sorry, as an entry level degree, we can start you off as lab technician level II and it would only be $27,000.” I’ve worked a lot of random jobs until then making mostly minimum wage ($5.25/hr), so I thought that was an amazing amount of money and took the job. I was thinkin’, “BALLIN’, YO.”

Late September/October (4-5 months after I graduated), I was making a 1 hour commute each way to Baylor College of Medicine to work as a lab technician. One year later, I was applying for the MBA program.

So no, I didn’t make big bucks straight out of college and I wasn’t in a career that was glamorous nor turned out to be long term (and I had to work as a server until I got the job), but sometimes you have to take something until you can work towards the job you really want.

My boyfriend and I had a discussion about why I put so much effort into making my Facebook & Instagram profiles private (selective about adding friends, who can view pictures, etc.), but my blog is public. I didn't really know how to answer him, because in a way, he's right. Do you have any explanations? Are any of you like this too?

Thu, 31 May 2012 09:26:02 -0700

Dru- Of course. I have a few different blogs, and each one is for different purposes. I would think that personal photos of you with your friends or boyfriend on a day-to-day basis is much more personal and revealing about your life in some aspects and you’d only want a select group of people to see them. Hence, privacy on facebook and instagram. It’s not just pictures of you, but pictures of the people in your life at a specific event you’re attending, forming a more comprehensive picture of your life as a whole including its mundanities.

The blog can be just writing and thoughts, and reveals more your thoughts rather than your life. Or if you do post pictures about your life on your blog, it could just be a snapshot that you want readers to see in particular rather than a daily feed of pictures. Strangers can read about your thoughts on a blog and still know nothing about you or what posts friends leave on your page like they would on facebook.

Coworkers can see your blog and it’s fine, but maybe you don’t want them to see pictures of your family Christmas on facebook. There’s nothing strange about being selective in one medium or another- it’s why google+ tried to cater to that with putting people into circles.

Do you think women can juggle work and family at the same time? I'm in law school and I will not be done until I'm 31 and I'm afraid that i won't be able to have kids and climb the corporate ladder at the same time. what are your thoughts?

Thu, 31 May 2012 09:05:33 -0700

Dru- I think it’s possible, but it really helps with a good support network. Plenty of mothers all over the world have been doing this already. Having parents/in-laws/siblings who are flexible enough to help raise the kids helps if you want to continue working within a year after having a child and your significant other is working a full time job (day care is ridiculously expensive).

It also depends on what sort of legal-related career you want to enter after you finish. My cousin’s husband worked for Akin Gump (one of the- I think?- big four law firms) for about 4 years and he literally worked 18-20 hour days frequently. He now works as a legal writer for law textbooks which is more akin to a 9-5 job and, while making much less than at Akin Gump, is much happier. A lot of my coworkers actually have legal backgrounds and we all used to work at Deloitte (a big 4 accounting firm) and that was somewhat like a 9-5 job too.

Now, if you want to practice law at a law firm, but want to take a few years off to raise a kid, this is what one of my attorney coworkers once told me:

When you finish law school and want to work at a law firm, they look at when you graduated and assume you want a salary based on that. For example, a first-year graduated attorney should make $100k (I’m making this number up). A fourth-year should make $200k dollars (again, an example number). If you have not practiced law and you’ve been graduated for 4 years, when you apply to a law firm, they will assume you want pay at $200k when you actually have no experience and really should be paid $100k dollars and this puts you at a disadvantage. This is of course assuming you want to practice at law firms, and there are plenty of different careers you can enter into with a law degrees.

In any case, everything I’ve written is from hearing anecdotes from the people around me, so it may be different elsewhere. Please take this response with a grain of salt (I’m sure Tramanh may have better input if she has time to chime in).

So in summary, if you plan on going into the lucrative 18 hour day attorney job, you’d need a really good support network if you want to have a kid (but really, why have a kid if you can’t even see them?). But I think there are plenty of careers for attorneys that will be just fine for raising a family. Just make sure your significant other is aware of the responsibilities of child rearing whichever course of action you choose.

do you post every single question/comment sent to you?

Wed, 30 May 2012 13:39:00 -0700

Dru- I think we try to answer as many to the best of our ability. Right now we have a backlog of questions and we don’t always answer them in the order we received them. With that said, don’t be gettin’ no ideas tryin’ to propose to your girlfriend by submitting a question on askphivy! “Hey, babe, have you checked askphivy lately? There’s a question you gotta see…”

what have you learned from doing askphivy that is surprising, interesting or something you want to share

Wed, 30 May 2012 12:34:48 -0700

Dru- This is a good question.

I’ve learned (from answering here, and just life in general) that there are generally no repercussions from being an asshole, a player, a bully, or a cheater (these apply to both sexes). We all like to think there’s some sort of universal karma scorecard, but usually it doesn’t balance out. They’ll find someone else just like everyone else who played by the rules in the first place. So basically, there’s no incentive to be a good person, because you can go out, cheat on people, treat them badly, and people will either forgive you or you’ll just find someone else and you will probably one day be married with children just like everyone else.

Now, I know this sounds cynical, but it’s actually not bad because what it DOES mean is that people who are good are mostly doing it for the sheer innateness of being good. There’s less incentive to be a good person, but there they are, being good people. They’re good peoples because they want to be. So that makes me appreciate the difficulty in finding and surrounding myself with good, honest folks in my life.

I am quite short. Do you think it's possible to grow a little bit taller in your 20s? I'm desperate!!

Wed, 30 May 2012 11:41:09 -0700

Dru- Perhaps early 20’s, but even then, only marginally. Like less than an inch, if even. Who knows, maybe you will just have a delayed growth spurt if you hadn’t had one yet. I think generally people start shrinking after that.

Are you a girl? Just wear heels! Are you a dude? You need to focus on being rich and/or hilarious or just hang out with your wang out instead. Oh, and I just googled this and this was near the top of my search results- I don’t know how legit it is, but who knows.

My bf asked me something about my father and i know the question he asked me was mistakenly what his ex gf told him. he kept saying are you sure your father is not xxxxx. I was offended and annoyed because i once remember he mentioned something about his ex's father. is he still thinking about her?

Wed, 30 May 2012 11:17:00 -0700

Dru- I’m 99% positive he’s not still thinking about her in this circumstance. Sometimes people confuse facts and that’s not a freudian slip of any sort. That’s like if I ate a sandwich with my friend last week and now I’m talking to you and was like, “Hey, wasn’t that sandwich awesome?” I recall the sandwich itself more than I recall my friend (I recall SOMEONE being there), but does that mean I am thinking about my friend? Probably not.

So I’m guilty of it too. If anything, he’s thinking about the dad. In which case, was the dad hot or what?

I am in a situation where I broke up with a bf of 2 years. Sometimes I keep replaying old scenarios in my head of all the good times and I feel like I just won't be able to love anyone else. How long do you think it takes to officially get over someone completely and to never think about them? Do you think it's okay to keep in contact with your ex's?

Wed, 30 May 2012 10:50:51 -0700

Dru- Ah, looking back with rose-tinted glasses. I don’t think there’s a prescribed time limit before you’re finally over someone- it’s more how much you yourself want to get over it, how you can rationalize it, and trying to understand that it couldn’t work out. It sucks when they’ve moved on, and maybe the easiest way to get over someone is to find someone new. You will definitely love someone else, but you just have to stop looking at the closed door first and be open to the idea.

I wouldn’t keep in touch with an ex if I still had feelings for them, but if you guys can see each other without thinking of them in that way, then that’s perfectly fine too.

My friend referered me to this foreign service job that is a perfect fit for me. I'll be working in different country every two years, but the problem is I'm getting married next year and i don't know if the fiance is willing to follow me everywhere for the next say 4 years. What will he be doing while i work? what if he hates the country/life style? What should i do?

Wed, 30 May 2012 10:24:36 -0700

Dru- Well, if you’re getting married, he should definitely have input in the decision because being married is about the two of you, not just you. You have to think about him too, because what if the roles were reversed? What WOULD he do?

There’s clearly a lot to discuss- if he’s open to the idea of giving up his career to follow you around and find whatever’s available in the country you happen to be in (obviously short term, so a moot point for his career), then you’ve got nothing to worry about. Or maybe he’s fine with long distance and you guys would just schedule plans to see each other frequently and do that skype thing all you kids like to do these days. Maybe he’ll see if his job will let him transfer overseas and accommodate. Maybe he can just take classes overseas and you’ll support the both of you. Maybe he likes that lifestyle. There are too many variables to this equation, obviously.

So to answer your question: just ask him what he thinks.

what do you think about 2 people dating that come from different cultural backgrounds? Do you think it could cause problems between both families?

Wed, 30 May 2012 10:00:24 -0700

Dru- Two people from different cultural backgrounds is perfectly fine as long as they’re both respectful of their different backgrounds. But man, parents can be crazy sometimes. I have friends from plenty of different nationalities whose parents only want them to marry the same nationality, and some people have even had to break up long term relationships because their family never approved. So yes. But sometimes eventually the parents give up and realize their kids are actually in a happy relationship. That happens too.

On a side note, it sucks when I have friends/family who date outside their nationality and their significant other doesn’t like their traditional food, so they have to prepare two different meals if they want to eat their home cooking. I’m sure their relationship is fine, but every time I see that, it makes me sad.

if you asked your significant other a question about how things went down between him & the ex and he told you the story but you later find out that he lied, is it worth it to confront him about it?

Wed, 30 May 2012 09:26:17 -0700

Dru- There are always two sides to every story and everyone will tell the version as they felt it. Maybe the version you heard was the other side, but not entirely right either. Everyone has some sort of bias in how they tell a story. How big of a lie was it? Is it big enough that it would make you question his character? Was his version really a complete lie? Would you believe his version or the other version? Is it really worth digging up the past?

Here’s another excerpt from the thread I read on the best advice people have received about marriage:

My dad always taught me to ask myself “Is this the hill you want to die on?” In other words, before you refuse to budge on an issue, make REAL sure it is something you actually care that much about. Just regularly do little things you don’t want to do. On the other side of that, of course, is that when you DO choose to stand your ground on an issue, your spouse will know it really matters to you because you don’t make a fuss about trivial shit all the time.

I see so many couples get into fights over meaningless bullshit because neither one of them will budge an inch on something as stupid as who is going to do the dishes on a Wednesday night. Just let shit go sometimes.

Is it that big of a deal that it would bother you? If yes, then bring it up with him. If it’s not that big a deal, then let it go.