Dru. My fiance and I spend all our time outside of work together and we love it. My mom hates it cuz she thinks I’m not independent. Probably because I’m almost 30 and we have 1 vehicle and he drives 98% of the time. We’re good with it though. Should I even care what my mom thinks? I have a successful career and am blessed to have found a man who can stand my neurotic tendencies. Got that from my mama who BTW is mean and lonely.

Dru- Well, first of all congrats! Secondly, thanks for rubbing your happy relationship all over my face and especially into my eyes and nostrils.

I don’t think you should care what your mom or anyone thinks. At the end of the day, it’s just the two of you, and if you can enjoy each other’s company immensely and that frequently, then I’d say you’re extremely lucky.

Perhaps your mom just says things like that because she wants to spend time with her daughter (ah, mom guilt can be strong). Or she wants you to go out and have a strong support network of friends. Perhaps she’s indirectly saying she wishes she could see you more. Lonely people can be bitter or mean just from lack of social interaction sometimes, and not the other way around. Maybe your friends might say that one day because they just miss hanging out with you. Spending all your time together as a couple is wonderful and I wouldn’t say you’re not independent, but don’t forget to include other people in your life too!

Dru, In the past my bf has lied to me about talking to his ex numerous time. We got over it and started to live our lives like a normal couple. Then few years have passed and now i just found out he lied to me about something that is really big(not about any girl). I feel really betrayed and disappointed. I’m not sure if i can ever forgive him for what he did to me. part of me want to break up with him part of me i want to hang on. I don’t know if i’ll be able to look past all the lies.

Dru- If you can’t get past a particular lie (and why he thought it would be okay to hide something that large from you), then there’s no trust in the relationship. Without trust, then what’s the point in having a relationship?

If you think you could actually forgive him for that and the two of you talk it over and work it out, it might be salvageable (and that’s okay too), but it sounds like it was big enough to permanently damage the relationship. I’m sure the idea of breaking up after several years of dating must be pretty difficult to give up (hence, wanting to hang on), but from my experience, most of my friends are in pretty healthy relationships and the best part is being able to be open and honest with one another. That’s the basis for any healthy relationship.

Do you guys know how Sarah Jennifer Vandong passed away?

Dru- Whoa. I guess this is a Houston reader, and you must know that I know her. Unfortunately, I have heard none of the actual details surrounding her passing, but I do remember her as being a happy person every time I saw her and obviously her life is a more important thing to remember. It’s sad that it happened so suddenly and out of the blue, but moments like this serve as a good reminder of the fragility of life and to try to keep in better touch with the people that are important to us. If you’re a good friend of hers (and if so, you probably already know this), her services will be held this week.

Dru, I have been working for 5 yrs in an admin position so when apply for a job should i look under careers for experienced profession or entry profession? I don’t have a lot of management experience but have experiences in budgeting and accounting.

Dru- I would suggest applying to both. Fortunately when job hunting, there’s no penalty for applying to as many jobs as you want. I’d say apply to those experienced profession jobs and if you don’t hear back, you haven’t lost anything. If you have five years of experience in budgeting and accounting, that would probably get you ahead of a recently graduated CPA if you’re applying for the same position and have the same skill set (from my experience, work experience usually trumps a degree up to a certain extent).

But if you aren’t hearing back, then you may need to go with the entry-level route and work your way up. If you’re applying for both at once, just weigh which position would be the best fit for you.

Thoughts on “home wreakers”? Always their fault? Or do you agree that they wouldn’t have a “home” to wreak if the significant other didn’t let them in, in the first place?

Dru- My friend and I had an argument about this once. His position was that home wreckers had ZERO liability in that it was the married person’s fault for succumbing to cheating and they were the ones that had taken the vow to be loyal in the first place. The home wrecker should be able to be free to do what they wanted without being at fault.

My position is that both parties are at fault. That’s like saying I have zero liability if I came up to a stranger, shoved a gun in their hand and aimed it for them, and they immediately started shooting people. “Oh, well, I mean, I was telling him to shoot people and I gave him the gun, but, well, it was his decision to shoot, right?” Granted, it’s ultimately the person in the relationship’s responsibility to not cheat, but the other person is equally at fault for enabling/encouraging them.

since im a newb at relationships, love, dating…what do you mean by there’s more to a relationship than just love?

Dru- There are a lot of factors to how a couple ends up together. Love is one thing, but there are a lot of other variables which come into play. You can love someone, but things may not work out for a number of reasons. There’s a reason why it’s much easier to date someone of a similar background and/or socioeconomic status.

As we’ve seen on askphivy, sometimes couples can love the other person a lot, but the other person can’t offer them everything they need, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Maybe they’re not ambitious enough, maybe they have too many obligations they can’t break away from. I’ve seen couples who have dated for years that ultimately had to break up because one set of parents would never approve their relationship because they were the wrong religion/ethnicity. While some people say, “well they just didn’t try to make it work, maybe they didn’t really love them”, I don’t think that’s an easy situation to judge unless you’re actually in it. So ideally, while you’d think all you’d need is love, it’s definitely not the only thing.

i have a question about my widowed mother moving in with me and husband. are you guys against that and am i wrong to think it’s not that bad of idea? husband is against it, but i feel it’s wrong to leave my mother alone esp when she’s usually to herself.

Dru- I think a lot of cultures (but moreso Asian cultures), the kids take care of the parents when they get older, so it’s not unusual for parents to move in with their children, particularly when one of the parents passes away. I expect my parents to live with me or my brothers one day (my grandmother rotated between my parents’ and my aunt’s and uncle’s houses while I grew up), and I would be okay with in-laws moving in too if I’m married.

So no, I don’t think it’s a bad idea at all. I think perhaps your husband still wants a little more time to be a married couple with you before the parents/in-laws move in, because it’s a little bit of a different dynamic if a parent is there. No random sexytimes on the cold hard kitchen tile (that’s what you married people do spontaneously, right?) and whatnot. See exactly why your husband isn’t a big fan of the idea, or perhaps get his opinion on how he would feel if it were his mother who was older and widowed.

One of my friends had a smaller separate studio built on their property for their parents to move into- it has a kitchen, one bedroom, tv, and everything. I think that’s a nice compromise (but probably not feasible for a lot of people). If anything, you could compromise and (if you have siblings), she could rotate between houses like my grandmother once did (which worked out pretty great).

when do you know to give up and just let the relationship go?

Dru- Basically when you don’t see a future with them anymore. Just make sure it’s not a heat-of-the-moment feeling and more of a “I don’t think we can work through this/it’s not worth it anymore” decision.

I remember when I worked my first office job years ago, a coworker was telling me about her marriage and told me, “Oh, Andrew, you’re so naive. You probably still have that, ‘All you need is love’ mentality, but there’s a lot more than that.” I already knew that at the time, but as I got older, it seems to ring more true as I see the relationships around me.

how do you know when a guy has lost interest in you?

Dru- Is this before you’re in a relationship with him? I’d imagine when he stops including you in his life. If you’re the one that always has to initiate or he’s not as receptive, then I’d say he’s lost interest (unless there was something like, work deadlines or family issues or whatnot). And if he doesn’t keep the lines of communication open and makes the effort to contact you, then it’s more like, “Oh… I get it…”

As a consultant what do you do? I see a lot of consulting companies like Accenture on campus recruiting students, but i’m not sure how i’m a good fit for them. They told me anybody can be a consultant. Do you consult on a specific product or type of management? Do the company train you beforehand on what to say to the clients? what if i consult the wrong thing or give wrong information?

Dru- What do I do as a consultant? I ask myself that every morning as I put on my socks and drive my dead shell of a former self to work.

But what I do daily is advise companies on how to apply for a very specific type of tax credit, which is generally convoluted to calculate. There are hundreds, if not thousands of different types of consultants in a wide variety of industries. Some consultants go into a company and tell them how to be more efficient. The recruiters are right- anyone can be a consultant, for the most part.

Generally these consulting positions require training that your employer will provide you. There’s usually a hierarchy of at least a manager overseeing your work, so don’t worry about giving bad consulting advice at the start- you’ll have someone checking your work. And in the beginning, the manager will be doing the client interaction while you handle the behind-the-scenes type work. After a while, you’ll have picked up on what exactly to say to the client and then you’ll be conducting client interaction on your own.

You consult based on your best decision given the information available. In my field, no one goes to jail on bad consulting advice, unless it is blatantly misrepresented. If anything, the company just pays the amount that was disallowed and the interest on that amount. Don’t worry too much about liability issues if you’re just starting with the company- your manager is more responsible regarding consulting advice rather than an entry-level consultant.

I’m not a shy person but more of an extrovert and never really say much because fear of hurting others. how do i become more brave in voicing my opinion without fearing that i’m hurting others? I always hold it in and sometimes it leads to anger.

Dru- Ah, the introverted extrovert. Or vice versa. Obviously you don’t want to bottle up resentment because you never know when it’ll burst out unexpectedly. A lot of expressing opinions comes from delivery. Some people throw out their opinion and it comes out like a harsh criticism that sets people bristling. Usually you can voice an opinion in a joking or light-hearted way as a fail safe, so that your opinion is out there, but you’re not dead serious and killing the mood.

I will sometimes (or perhaps my friends would say I do it too often) put out my opinion tempered by checking to see if other people are okay with it, because usually it’s a situation where I’m okay with something happening either way, I just like to put options on the table.

I’d suggest you just start voicing your opinions. If someone feels hurt, you can always apologize, and if they’re good enough friends, they’ll understand you didn’t mean it that way.

I recently found out that this guy I really like has a kid. I’m kind of intimidated by this because I have never dated anyone with a child. It’s not necessary a “turn-off”, but after finding out, I am slightly hestiant to move forward in our relationship. Is this normal? I know I’m not going to be this kids’ step-mom or anything right away, but I’ve also heard alot of horror stories from my friends about baby mama drama, etc. So i am not sure what to do.

Dru- That’s a completely normal reaction. It’s difficult to move forward because there are a ton of new variables to deal with outside of just getting to know someone, like will their kid accept me? Will we get along? Will he never see me as his mother? Can I one day treat this child as my own? I have a friend who married someone with a 6 year old and it was a perfect situation- the kid was adorable, really sweet, and welcomed him like a real dad.

What happens next is really how comfortable you feel about the situation. Obviously getting along with their kid would be a big factor in continuing on, and how the mother is in the picture and if you’re comfortable with that.

I’d say just take it really slow in this case, because you’re not only dating the guy, but you could also have an impact in his kid’s life too, which is something that you might want to be cognizant of. It may be difficult, but I wouldn’t say it can’t work out either. Just take it one day at a time and see how you feel.

And if it’s anything like 40 Year Old Virgin, you could be dating a hot grandpa.

Dru, my parent’s anniversary is coming up in 2 months and I’m not sure what to get them. They have an album of their wedding pictures and i want to do something with it, but not sure what. The pictures were taken in Vietnam 30 yrs ago and it’s LOVELY. Any suggestions what i can do with it?

Dru- You mean with the album itself? You could scan the photos and then put them onto a digital photo frame. Or have their wedding photo enlarged and framed (or if there are like, creases/wear, you could pay to have the pictures retouched if you can’t do it yourself).

So, this guy I’ve been dating of awhile recently asked me to be his gf and I am hesitate for what might be a stupid reason, but for some reason it bugs me. Basically, he has added some of my friends and family members on social media (ie FB, twitter, instagram, tumblr, etc), but has yet to add me! I know I can easily just add him too, but I’ve been waiting for him and in almost the year that we’ve been seeing each other he still hasn’t. What gives? Its not that big of a deal, but kind of strang

Dru- That is kinda weird, because when I meet a girl I like, I immediately add her on facebook so I can go through all her albums and like all the old pictures she’s in. What’s weird is after that, she usually unfriends me :(

Just kidding, but while it is a little odd for him not sending that friend request even after a year, I suppose one could rationalize that maybe he was waiting until it was “official” before sending you a friend request? Like, perhaps if he got rejected, he didn’t want to obviously unfriend you?

That’s a stretch though, so I mean, you could always jokingly bring it up- I don’t think that’s like a taboo subject- just be like, “Why aren’t we friends on facebook yet? Are you secretly married or something?”

Or maybe he’s a socially awkward penguin and since you never brought it up, he never sent you a request and then it just got to that point where you guys have known each other for so long it’s weird to finally send that friend request.

What do you guys think is the reason behind some women not wearing their engagement ring ring? My sister got engaged almost 4 month ago and has only worn her ring the first week after she got engaged, then complained it was too big for her and refused to wear it because she didn’t want to lose it if it accidently fell off. Her fiancé asked me once why she wasn’t wearing it and I told him that it was too big so he went and got it resized, but now she still doesn’t wear it. Any idea why?

Dru- I wouldn’t think there’s anything suspicious behind it- sometimes maybe they think it feels weird to have a ring on all the time if they’re not used to wearing rings. Maybe it’s so expensive they don’t want to get it dirty or have the setting screwed up if they accidentally bang it around. Some girls I think wear it around their neck like a necklace if that’s the case.

But shoot, if I saved up money to buy a gal an engagement ring, I’d want that on her finger all the time. Otherwise, I’d just ask her if there was anything wrong with the ring if that’s the case.