so, i just found out my ex in college got engaged this past weekend. i’m married but i cant’ help but feel really upset about it. we also ended on really bad terms after being together for 4 years. is this normal?

Steph: Well there might always feel like a tingle of “ACK” when you hear news about your ex, even if you are over him. It’s normal but don’t dwell on it - it’s not fair to your husband or marriage. Acknowledge that you’re like, “Hm, that’s nice he got engaged.” and move on. Don’t sit there and think “What if” or reminisce or even think about the bad times - just focus your energy on the present (your husband) and move on.

Dru- Funny, I just read this blog post http://m.xojane.com/relationships/everyone-else-is-doing-something-great-except-me-erfolgtraurigkeit?utm_medium=facebook “The term he gave it was Erfolgtraurigkeit, literally “success-sadness,” evoking that sensation of feeling somewhat bereft by someone else’s accomplisments.” I think it’s normal to feel this way. I mean, there are numerous articles about how being on facebook can make you depressed because you compare everyone’s highlights to your behind-the-scenes. It’s not quite that in this circumstance, and I don’t think it’s because you still want to be with him either. Just don’t overthink the situation- the feeling will go away and just don’t keep tabs on him. Out of sight, out of mind.

Date ideas guys?

Dru- I don’t know anything about what you’re into. Monster truck rally? Live action role playing? Shooting range? Easiest thing would be to look what events are going on in your city and going to that.

Steph: Go to Groupon or your local Thrillest to see if there’s anything happening. Go see a local museum. Go hiking. Go on a cheesy city tour (you may learn something!). It depends on where you live, what your interests are, and of course, budget. I don’t know! Do stuff…I guess.

Name 3 things you like about yourself.

Dru- Only 3? Wtf. I’m just going to make up things since I’ll look like an ego maniac otherwise

1) The ability to grow a beard. As an asian. I don’t have one now, but I have had one several times in the past and if I ever need to change my identity in the future I can (after a few weeks). It’s rarer than being a leftie, which I also like being part of the select 10% of the population. I’m like a lame X-Man.

2) I’m easily amused, and people usually laugh at things I do. Or laugh with. I hope?

3) I like to learn a lot of things and about things. And then combine those things I’ve learned together. It’s true, there are no new ideas these days, so the trick is to combine ideas instead.

Steph: 

1. My ability to empathize. Ultimately that is what this blog is about, right? I apply the same to my friends & family too. I like helping people and talking them off ledges. It’s what I do naturally.
2. Self-deprecation. I appreciate that I don’t take myself that seriously…and if people take it the wrong way, that’s on them not on me.
3. I’ve learned to let things flow. THIS IS A LEARNED PROCESS. It’s so easy to get stuck in your own head, but ultimately, I tell myself that nothing is permanent, that holding onto anger, hatred, resentment, etc. is a waste of time. And it works. I just can’t be bothered.

Would you rather be good looking with bad style or unattractive with good style?

Steph: Good looking with bad style. You forget how vain I am? Jk.

Dru- Good looking bad style. A pretty face gets you a distinct advantage in society (from better service, fewer traffic tickets, getting things for free) and there are countless articles/studies about that. This one’s a no brainer.

How do you split your responsibilities between family and being a newlywed? I’m getting married soon and i just dont know how to put my effort/time/energy into my new family and my parents. i know first year of marriage is going to be hard, but i dont have a game plan going into it.

Dru- You could establish 1 night a week/every other week of visiting your parents for dinner. They know they’ll get to see you on a regular basis and on what day, and if they need you in the middle of the week, they can call you. I think without knowing the next time they’ll see you, parents want to always see you. But if you say, “Hey, every monday we’ll be over for dinner”, they’ll be more okay with you living your life.

Steph: I think you’d be surprised to find out your parents are excited for you to build and establish your own family now (with your husband). However, some consistency is nice, like DRU said. You don’t want them to feel like you have this brand-new life that doesn’t include them, but you also need to tend to your family and husband. So weekly dinners, emails, and phone calls are a great way to keep in touch. It establishes a tradition that they can follow. I would also remind myself that this is YOUR family now so you’re able to say “no” to your parents if you have a conflict.

what are some of your tips for job hunting as well as prepping for and going on interviews?

Dru- Apply to the companies’ websites directly. Network and meet a lot of people- getting a job is unfortunately more about who you know than what you know, and the more people you meet, the higher a chance of knowing someone who’s hiring. Having an in to any company is better than randomly applying.

Prep- research the company. Research topics relevant to your position you’re applying for. Here’s a list of tips from a recruiter: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/18zykx/what_is_one_thing_from_your_profession_that/c8jj6y3

If you get nervous on interviews, you can look at it from one of two ways:

1) You go into the interview as though the position’s already been filled. No stress then! You’re just there to have a chat with a person behind a desk. What you say will not affect anything.

2) You go into the interview as though you’re the ONLY applicant for the job. Basically they need you, they need that position filled, and whatever you say won’t matter because they want to hire you anyway.

In either scenario, you should be able to break through any nervousness because IT DOESN’T MATTER. Confidence is key on these interviews. So know a little thing or two about the company and the position you’re applying for and then win them over with your charisma.

Steph:

http://www.askphivy.com/post/22344791791/i-have-a-phone-interview-for-a-potential-job-and-ive

http://www.askphivy.com/post/36212804674/im-nervous-about-my-upcoming-interview-i-always-get

http://www.askphivy.com/post/30999537513/ive-recently-graduated-college-and-gave-my-resume-to

I don’t want children. Is that selfish of me?

Dru- Nope.

Steph: Do you what you want! Better to not have kids than to have kids and hate them.

Dru, do guys really go crazy at bachelor parties? what’s the point of having strippers and lots of girls when you’re already attached or are getting married?

Dru- Whoawhoawhoa, I’m not allowed to discuss what goes on at these things. I will say that usually someone is appointed to go buy bulk containers of condoms at Costco before a bachelor party and usually there are at least twice as many strippers/girls present than anyone discloses. And now I’ve said too much and they’re coming for me. Oh God, I can hear them right outside my doo-

With that said, it really depends on the guy and his group of friends. Bachelor parties typically are more symbolic than anything, saying that this is the last time the bachelor will ever get to see another woman before he gets fully committed to one (or his last night as a “free man”- though these days, bachelor parties occur well before the night before the wedding).

Sometimes they go crazy; most of the ones I’ve been to they don’t. My friends aren’t really that type, so it’s usually just guys hanging out doing guy stuff like smoking cigars, playing poker, drinking in Vegas, and not so much “getting it out of your system” and hitting on girls. I will say sometimes there are strippers, but it’s not quite so much because you want to sleep with them or anything sleazy but because you want to give your soon-to-be-married friend a joking elbow like, “This is what you’re going to miss out on!”

I’m not going to say all bachelor parties aren’t sleazy, but I have heard stories where people will do it with the stripper, and obviously when the groom does, someone EVENTUALLY leaks and those marriages don’t last anyway.

I’m in my late 20’s, I’m financially stable, and I’ve been dating a younger guy somewhat “secretly” for the past year. I just found out I’m pregnant, and at a loss at what to do. On one hand, I’m old enough & stable enough to have a baby, but my relationship with the babydaddy isn’t super serious, nor do I really know if he is “keeper” material. I somehow doubt any of my friends would be excited for me. :( I know this is highly personal but any feedback/thoughts at all would be appreciated.

Steph: Before I congratulate you, have you decided if you wanted to have the baby? Before I get yelled at by our readers, it’s a legitimate question and there are options out there.

Assuming you are, congratulations! You’re right, you’re old enough for it to not be scandalous - you’re in your late 20’s, stable, and have a career. If you had a bf or a husband, would people judge you? Nope. And don’t let them - you have control over your life and this decision is yours and the guy you’re seeing. Just because things didn’t work out according to society’s plan doesn’t mean you can’t make it work.

You should also decide when you are going to tell the baby daddy that you’re pregnant. Even if you don’t really expect anything from him (support, time, money, etc.) he does have the right to know that you’re pregnant with his child. You two can discuss options, such as if you two want to make it work as a couple or if you want to just be amicable friends that raise a child together. I find that couples who make it work try not to expect that a baby will “fix” their relationship or make the guy propose. Often times parents-to-be realize that they’re much better off as co-parents and friends than ex-lovers. Hopefully he’s as mature as you are and will be excited for your baby. You two can then discuss the game plan - will he go to your doctor’s appointments? Will you allow him partial custody? Will he be there at the birth? Are you two going to be friends or will you try to make it work? Will there be child support? How much can he afford? Does this need to be court-ordered or can it be mutually agreed upon before getting the legal system involved? Talk all these issues out early - get a sense of how he feels and what he thinks is expected from him and what you expect from him. Get on the same page. 

As for your friends and family, you may think that they won’t be excited for you, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised. They may be caught off-guard, but don’t confuse their surprised reactions with lack of support. Like you said, they had no idea you were seeing anyone, and for you to have a baby is a big deal. But ultimately, they will be excited for you and your baby. Take your family and friends out (separately) and let them know the big news. Be honest - tell them you were casually seeing someone and things happen, but you’re going to move forward and raise the baby to the best of your ability. Of course, this goes without saying - but you should tell your baby daddy before telling your friends.

Lastly, be strong. You are mature enough to handle this situation gracefully. Do not let any judgment sway you into thinking that you won’t be a great mother. Maybe your baby is unexpected, but it’s those types of things that really turn out to be a blessing, if you choose to look at it that way. It really is about perspective. You can do this. You got it.

Dru- From just reading the question, it’s hard to tell if you want a baby right now. Realistically, if you aren’t ready, there are two options- neither of which should be taken lightly. One is (if this is still VERY early on) visiting a local Planned Parenthood to explore options or another would be to give up the child for adoption. Both have very different implications which can leave lasting impacts on your life.

If you are planning on keeping the baby, then congrats! You will definitely need to tell the father of your situation (and don’t be offended if he wants a paternity test as he has to protect himself as well). Does this mean that the two of you will have to be together? No. In all cases I’ve heard, staying together for the sake of the child (if the relationship is rocky) does not always turn out great for the child in the end.

Optimistically, could this strengthen the relationship between the two of you? Definitely. Going through something this life altering together could cement the relationship together. But this does not mean it will or has to. If so, things that need to be discussed would be where the both of you see the father in terms of parenting- would it be more of a custody thing, or will you both be together to raise the child, or whatnot. Legal issues such as custody and child support will also need to be discussed.

If it’s both agreed that he would not be involved, you must also prepare yourself with life as a (mostly) single mom, which can be very difficult without a support network. This includes family and friends, as working and being a a single parent (guy or girl) can be very difficult, much less attempting to have a relationship with another person at the same time.

As for how your friends would react, I would say you’d be surprised- people will still be excited for you if you’re expecting, even if it’s not in the most traditional sense, and the ones that are still there to support you are the true friends anyway. And who doesn’t love babies?!

I know it would probably be the most difficult to tell your family (if they’re anything like a super traditional asian family) and there will most likely be some difficult conversations to have if they are. I’ve heard both bad outcomes and good ones for both, and at the end of the day, your parents must know that this is going to be their grandchild regardless, and it’s up to them how they want to welcome one of their own into the world.

In all, it’s okay to think the worst case scenario happening, but I think that you’ve had enough years in your life and the maturity to make this work great. You’ll do fine, and if you ever want to bounce more questions off us, we’ll be here to answer.

I’m wondering what guys really think of boob jobs? Are they happy for their girlfriends to get boob jobs? And how about if a guy is seeing a girl then finds out she has fake boobs?

Dru- I don’t like boob jobs. What if I want to punch a boob? I don’t want to worry about it popping. Jk. But yeah, sure it may look nicer, but who wants stiff chesticles in the sack? I’d rather have a flat girl than one with bolt ons you have to worry about with age.

I guess some guys like girlfriends getting boob jobs, but I like girls with all original stock parts. Boob jobs, nose jobs, etc, mainly makes me think there’s some insecurity to the girl rather than flauntin’ what you got, which is pretty sexy (maybe they’re not insecure, but I’m just making superficial judgments here).

As for finding out she has fake boobs, well, by then you’re attracted to their personality too, so I guess I’d be okay with that because you’d be attracted to the overall package offered by then of looks and personality. I know it doesn’t make sense, but knowing she has fake boobs from the start is a definite turnoff, but finding out she has them after I get to know her is okay.

Fiance’s sister wants me to be godmother for her kid so that the kid could attend this pretigious catholic school. They’re not catholic and have no intention in practicing. i dont want to bring the kid into the religion without their parents believing or practicing it. i feel they’re using me and the religion as a tool. fiance doesn’t feel that way he got mad at me for not agreeing to do this. he said what’s the harm. do you think im wrong?

Steph: It’s a touchy subject. For those who may not be as religious, I can see how being a Godmother is more about the privilege of knowing that if anything were to happen to the parents, that they trust and love you enough to raise their child as you would your own. It’s closer than being just an aunt, it’s being the child’s Godmother, almost elevating your status, if you will.

However, I know that Godparents are often the ones who help guide children down their spiritual paths. They’re there to help them with any questions and education around their religion and help them continue down this way. They’re there to support during baptisms, communions, confirmations, etc. You’d be there ideally for all of the major sacraments. You’re right though - it’s hard to instill a religion onto a child when daily, the child’s parents won’t reinforce it. It’ll just be “Oh it’s time to go to mass with Auntie again because I have to,” the child may not see the importance of it.

Perhaps tell them that you’re honored to be their baby’s Godmother, but you would love for them to help encourage the baby’s religious beliefs. That means, no under-cutting, no scoffing, and no demeaning of the beliefs you’re trying to instill. They should be supportive, understanding, and ideally, participate within the activities. If they want their child to be in Catholic school, then a part of them has to believe some portion of the religion or else why would they choose a Catholic school over a private (non-religious) or public school?

There’s nothing wrong with saying that you take this role seriously and hope they would respect what you, and the Catholic school, is trying to encourage by mirroring it at home. 

Dru- I don’t think you’re in the wrong in feeling that way at all. From my understanding (and I’m not religious), godparents are mainly there to be the ones to kind of take care of your kids in the event you pass away or somesuch (Stephanie’s response is obviously more accurate).

I know people joke like, say, if you make your good friend who is a dentist a godparent, they’re like, “My kid gets free cleanings for life OH HO HO!” it’s actually always meant jokingly and that no one expects their friend to give their kid free cleanings. You don’t make someone a godparent expecting them to give your kid anything. That’s not how it works.

I would feel annoyed at the obligation if anyone asked. Look at it this way- as a photographer, I’d take pics of my good friends’ kids anyway for free because I’d love them like if I had my own. But if my friends were like, “Oh, can you be their godfather so you can shoot all their life events for free?” I’d be like, waitwaitwait, hold on. That would be an offer that I might refuse.

Stephanie, how come some vendors are so snooty and rude? did you have problems with dealing with vendors for your wedding? i’ve talked to a few vendors and they act like they dont want my business. or some keep pressuring me to book saying how they’re all booked up and that they’re too busy for anything.

So far, I’ve been lucky enough to deal with professionals who have been super respondent, nice, and timely. They haven’t been rude or have a snooty attitude, luckily!

I have met a few MUAs that have seemed a bit “You’d be lucky to work with me” type attitude - we just didn’t gel. For example, I’ve used the same MUA twice (because of weddings I’ve been in) and for whatever reason, she and I just don’t get along. I think it’s just different styles - her words were literally, “You can put on your own lipstick, because I don’t want you to represent my work when I don’t think you should wear any.” and so I did. And everyone loved it! IN YOUR FACE! She just had a different style (natural, beachy, etc.) and obviously I wear makeup that’s more pronounced. So, while I think she’s talented, will I hire her for my wedding? Nope. Also, I hated how she did my hair, haha.

Anyway, not all wedding vendors are as difficult to get along with, but maybe they’re used to couples who are willing to do anything and everything to get their work. Sometimes they can back it up with the work they produce, other times, the sense of entitlement is unfounded. It’s poor business practices and a negative customer will tell 5 people about their negative experiences, while customers with positive experiences will only tell 1 other person (I’m in advertising, this is stuff I know randomly). So for their sake, they better treat you like you’re the only customer in the world to them.

If you don’t like their attitude, you’re not going to like their work. Especially if it’s something you have to spend the whole day with (e.g. the venue vendors, your photographer, etc.) If you don’t like your florist and it’s just something you have to lightly deal with the day of your wedding, I think I could handle that. But if it’s the photographer and you’re spending 8 hours with them, you better make sure you’re comfortable with their attitudes.

if people ask how much you spend on certain thing and you’re not comfortable telling them what should you say?

Dru- Tell them you spent nunya on it. “Nunya?” they would ask? Yes, nunya bidness! But I suppose you can give a vague response such as “too much” and laugh it off. And if they keep on pressing, you can just say, “Look it up online” or say it’s a secret and leave it at that.

Steph: Yeah I’d keep it vague or downplay it. For instance, “How much was that purse?” “Oh it was on sale at Nordstrom Rack, so not that much.” and switch subjects. The best response though is, “Too much,” and laugh. It lets them know to get out of your grill and that if they want to know how much that camera is, to ask for the make/model of it, not the price.

i know this may sound really bad. i found out that my bf’s ex is really miserable with her life now and somehow it makes me feel somewhat sastified. she’s extremely mean and cruel to me when i first started dating my bf. she often tried to break us up even though she has no interest in him. is it normal to feel happy lolz

Steph: DO you really feel bad? I kinda suspect you don’t. And that’s okay!! Sometimes it’s nice to feel vindicated. If she wasn’t the nicest, was manipulative, and rude, then her misery only makes you feel better for being the better person.

You don’t have to relish in it, but you can just get a satisfying thought every now and then. It’s nice when justice is served.

Dru- Of course it’s normal. It’s called Schadenfreude. But who knows, maybe she was mean because she’s going through a lot in her life and was just taking it out on the two of you since you guys are happy.

Ok, this is going to sound so ridiculous and first world problem-ish BUT… I work in an open office where the desks are situated near each other, like in The Office, and the lady in front of me relieves herself EVERY morning. Since I sit directly behind her the smell permeates my every being and I justtt can’t deal anymore. What should I do?!

Dru- Wait, what? I’m going to assume you mean farts, but typically when someone relieves themselves, it’s either pooping or peeing, which would make for a very awkward work environment. I’d say invest in a desktop fan then to blow away the smell.

Or if you want to get passive aggressive, get those like, glade or febreeze aerosol sprays (Deloitte used to have them in the bathrooms- so nice!) and spray it at the first whiff and be like, “HOOF ARTED?!” without directly saying who. That should let them know it’s bothering others. And if you want to REALLY get passive aggressive, anonymously leave a new package of charcoal activated underwear, which should filter out the farts. And extra large size, for further embarrassment.

But seriously, I have no idea. I’d just look around at my coworkers without looking at her and be like, “Did someone fart?” If you say that enough times, I think they’d get the hint without embarrassing them. Or you can just email them this when you hear/smell it:

Steph: LOL SICK. Thank God I have my own office where I can pee, poop, and fart in privacy! (lol jk)

If you want her to stop, you’re going to have to be like, “Wait, what’s that smell? Do you guys get that weird smell? I wonder if a pipe is leaking from the bathroom?” and do those general, “I wonder where it came from please don’t tell me we have dead mice in the building” comments.

Otherwise, to help alleviate, you can get those incense sticks you put in scented oils. Those are great! They’re not as obnoxious as Febreeze sprays (DRU) but they do mask a lot of odors.

If you want to be confront her, I would wait til you both are alone, like washing your hands in the bathroom, and say, “Hey, I know this is so embarrassing, but I don’t want it to be. I just wanted to see if you knew that when you would pass gas, I can smell it…and maybe it’s something you do in the restroom. I don’t mean to call you out or embarrass you, but based on the logistics of our offices, I just end up getting the most of it.” - THAT would be like, last resort. As in, you’re about to quit because you can’t stand to smell this woman’s farts anymore.

GOOD LUCK. And maybe just use her farts as an excuse to go outside and get some fresh air!